Feature by Nikita Fernandes What comes to your mind when you think about intersectionality? Intersectionality is a term that was coined in 1989 by Kimberly Crenshaw, who is a social justice advocate in America. Crenshaw coined the terms to denote of the intersections of people's identity which might contribute to their unique world view. For example, two black individuals might have different life experiences if one of them was queer and one of them was straight. Intersectionality also speaks to the multiple points of disadvantages or inequality that someone might experience due to holding multiple minority identities. The identities that people hold might include gender, race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, gender identity, disability, class. For example, someone that is a person of color might also be from a lower economic class and be disabled which presents multiple barriers for them to navigate.
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Feature by Nikita Fernandes I recently attended a phenomenal presentation by Dr. Lee Phillips through the Modern Sex Therapy Institute where I learned about the concept of sexual self-esteem. Sexual self-esteem refers to the way we conceptualize our sexual selves. It is the beliefs that people have about themselves as sexual beings. Someone with high sexual self-esteem might feel confident in their body and their sexuality and hence enjoy solo or partnered sex. Someone with low sexual self-esteem might have a hard time accepting their body and might struggle to feel comfortable in partnered sex. The formation of sexual self-esteem can be traced to a variety of factors including someone's upbringing, religious background, ethnicity, gender, etc. Someone who had a secure attachment style with their caregivers might struggle less with sexual self-esteem as attachment styles in early childhood development also play a role in the formation of sexual self-esteem.
Feature by Nikita Fernandes Image via Vecteezy The illustrator and author Mari Andrew wrote a beautiful piece titled "On Being an Extremely Jealous Person," in which she shares that the hardest part of jealousy is the shame we feel around it, thinking we should be better. Experiencing jealousy is a human reaction. It can be uncomfortable to feel but as human beings, we deal with jealousy during different stages of our lives. People might feel jealous in their interpersonal relationships. For example, an individual might feel jealous when they see their partner flirting with someone else. People also experience jealousy in platonic relationships like friendships and family. Now that we've acknowledged that jealousy is universal, let's explore how to cope with it.
Feature by Dr. Sara Schapiro and Nikita Fernandes, MHC-LP Via Pexels Although sex therapy has been around for awhile, people still have misconceptions about what sex therapy entails. For example, what makes a sex therapist different from other therapists? For starters, sex therapists work with clients on a variety of challenges that range from sexual trauma to kink explorations. Sex therapists also collaborate with other sex and intimacy professionals such as surrogate partners or sexological body workers in order to offer clients a holistic framework for healing. Partnering with other health professionals enables sex therapists to understand the client better as the therapist gains a comprehensive view of the clients background both inside and outside the therapy session.
Feature by Nikita Fernandes Imago Relationship Therapy is a type of relationship and couples therapy that focuses on relational counseling to turn any conflicts between couples into chances for healing and progress. It was created by Drs. Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt in 1980. The word 'imago' means image in Latin. The idea behind the therapy is to help couples understand what their partner is saying and how their partner might be feeling. Using imago therapy with couples has been beneficial in helping clarify misconceptions, reduce conflict, and rediscover ways to connect with and communicate effectively with one another.
Feature by Nikita Fernandes Via Pixabay Narrative Therapy has emerged as one of the most powerful types of therapy to support minority communities. It has gained popularity in 2022 along with the rise of movements such as the Black Lives Matter and the focus on mental health after the pandemic. Narrative therapy is relatively new. It was developed in the 1980's by Michael White, an Australian social worker, and David Epston, a family therapist from New Zealand. It gained traction in the United States in the 1990's.
Narrative therapy is a nonpathologizing, empowering and collaborative experience for clients who hold minority identities. The empowering nature of this therapy can be experienced through nudging clients to reframe their past experiences, gain control over their present and shape a better future. Narrative therapy uses prompts to have client reflect over the stories they tell themselves about their life. For example, a therapist might ask a client to write about their past struggles and highlight what helped keep them afloat. This strengths based approach can help remind clients that they are much more resilient than they believe. Repercussions of the COVID-19 Pandemic Related Stressors on LGBTQ+ Young Adult Mental Health6/8/2022 Feature by Nikita Fernandes Via Pixabay The COVID-19 pandemic took the whole world by surprise and wreaked havoc on a global scale. Although the pandemic presented many physical health implications, the pandemic also exacerbated the stressors that sexual and gender minorities feel on a day-to-day basis. The COVID-19 pandemic stressors have had multiple mental health repercussions for LGBTQ+ youth who are already receive less support. The psychological effects of quarantine have been related to an increased incidence of mental health issues such as post-traumatic stress disorder, confusion, rage, as well as more despair. During the quarantine period of the COVID-19 pandemic, LGBTQ+ young adults were forced to stay in homes with negative family climates which had a detrimental effect on their mental health (Gato et al., 2020). Many LGBTQ youths may not have disclosed their sexual and gender identities to their family yet, so they lack support and acceptance from this primary socialization group (Gato et al., 2020). LGBT youth feel “stuck at home with unsupportive parents” and face unfavorable factors such as self-quarantine, limited access to LGBT-specific campus resources, and distance from an affirming social network or chosen family (Gonzales et al., 2020). Therefore, it is critical to understand how the COVID-19 pandemic impacted LGBTQ+ young adult lives.
. Baby has arrived! The parents are elated with the new addition to the family. The baby takes in all the love showered onto him/her. When an infant is born he or she does not have a sense of self. He is not aware of where he ends and others begin; there is a bubble around him/her and mother. According to Margret Mahler, the task for the newborn infant is to develop his sense of self as an individual and separate person. At first, the infant is self-absorbed and perceives him/herself and mother as one. Then, the infant begins to be alert and curios about the world. Once the baby begins to crawl, he/she can actively experiment with being separate from the mother. Finally, the child recognizes that his mobile ability separates him from the mother. Yet, the baby still wants his mother near him as he ventures out. The mother’s reaction, to the child’s tentative experimentation with exploring the world, will determine the development of an individual self in the child. If the mother responds by being impatient with the child’s uncertainty, or with anger toward the child’s need for separateness, the child will fail to develop a strong sense of self. A child whose mother is unreliable, intrusive, and emotionally unavailable will develop fears of engulfment or abandonment. These fears will seriously interfere with the ability to be intimate in later years. The relationship between mother and child is the “prototype” for later intimate relationships. Since the attachment between the mother and child is the first intimate experience, good enough parenting establishes the ability for later intimate romantic relationships. Intimacy is dependent on the person’s ability to self-disclose and share personal information with the intimate other. Intimate relationships call on the person’s willingness to be vulnerable and trust that their partner will not abandon them. Most importantly, the person must trust his or her sense of self, that he or she will not completely collapse and lose their sense of self. Eric Erikson postulated that a healthy development trajectory includes the achievement of intimacy. If one does not resolve the developmental crisis of intimacy versus isolation, by forming close romantic relationships, their development to later stages are hindered. However, Erikson explains that in order to be intimate, a person first needs to have a self. As he quotes, “To be able to share a WE, we must have sense of I” (Erikson, 1984). The core of the psychic fear of intimacy is the fear of merging and engulfment by the other. Weak ego boundaries and the inability to maintain a sense of self is a threat to the self-identity and being intimate with a partner is a danger. As mentioned above, in order to be intimate one needs to have the capacity to be vulnerable, thereby loosening his or her boundaries. For a person with a poor sense of self, loosening his or her boundaries means a total loss of self. The paradox of intimacy is the ability to simultaneously remain separate yet connected. Intimacy requires a level of merging. But, for someone who cannot maintain his or her separate self, intimacy becomes impossible. The person fears that if they open themselves up to the other person, they will merge and be engulfed by their partner. Therefore, avoiding intimacy is a defense against the loss of self. Another area to consider is when one feels that their partner is merging into them. The partner’s genuine and caring attempt to be intimate is seen as an infringement on his or her autonomy. As one partner moves toward deeper intimacy, the other partner resists. (sexual acting out (i.e. infidelity) can potentially be an attempt to resist the deeper intimacy). It is important to note that everyone struggles with the dilemma of engulfment and the desire for an intimate relationship. The capacity to be intimate is dependent on the extent of the dilemma. The ability to trust that one can maintain their own identity without fusing into their partner’s identity; opens the space for intimacy to flourish. AuthorSara Schapiro-Halberstam, LMHC is a licensed mental health counselor in NYC, where she provides individual counseling and intimacy counseling. You can contact Sara at [email protected] and read more blog posts at www.mwr.nyc You scanned the headings of this blog post and I am sure you are surprised. Relationships as a habit, being independent, endless harmony, and knowing everything about your partner: These are generally qualities that are deemed positive for a relationship or a long lasting love life. However, as we classically know “too much of a good thing is not always a good thing.” Making your relationship into a habit The killer: The beginning of relationships are exciting and invigorating. However, there is one nagging thought “will this last?” While the relationship continues to develop and we realize that we really like this person and we really like who we are while we are with him or her, we begin to desire more. Naturally, we want the relationship to continue, maybe hoping it will last a lifetime. Hence, we begin to make efforts toward chasing away the nagging thought of “will this last?” We desire this person so much, that we want to chase away the unpredictability of the relationship. To manage our anxiety, we move toward securing the relationship (and that means something different for every person) by creating routines and predictability. While security, predictability, and routine, is always positive progress for a relationship, there is an inherent risk in making your relationship predictable and almost monotonous. Your relationship becomes a habit, and no one feels sexy when they are someone’s habit. Habits are not particularly invigorating or exciting, habits are just there. You practiced long enough and now it is a part of your life, you do not need to think about it. Secure relationships would definitely be on the list of good habits. Conversely, constant seeking of excitement and “non-habit” relationships are what fuel sexual affairs. So now, all this seems too confusing. Hence, we need to find that magic spot between stability and keeping a relationship passionate. The remedy: Trying to do something different is always good for a relationship. Instead of trying to find something new to do, kick it up a notch and try to stop doing what you always do and see what happens. Let the moment take you. For example, you always kiss your partner good night, it is ingrained in your routine and you are not even aware that you are doing it. What happens if one night you don’t kiss her? How does she react? What happens between the two of you? Do you do something else? How do you feel? How does she feel? No matter how this ends, you will learn something new about your relationship and your partner. Be aware: It is risky! But perhaps your relationship has been yearning for some risk. Being Independent The killer: “Independence is a problem? Didn’t you write an article on the importance of independence?” Yes! and I also wrote an article on dependency leading to satisfaction and commitment. But, complete independence and eliminating dependency in a relationship is the recipe for the death of love. Being dependent on someone makes the relationship “high-stakes”. The more we desire, the more we fear the loss. When we have a high-stakes risk, we invest in it. It is the high-stakes in relationships that fuels romantic passion. Desiring our partners love, is a declaration of dependency. You cannot have desire without dependence. You are dependent on your partner’s reaction and your partner’s response toward you; “will he/she love you or not?”. Hence, dependency makes us feel vulnerable and many of us are entrenched in trying to escape vulnerability. In fact, one of the character traits of narcissistic personality disorder is the inability to be dependent on a romantic partner. Narcissists are unable to admit that they need their lover in their life. For narcissistic men and women, dependency is too threatening and they are likely to escape the relationship (physically or emotionally) the moment they feel a sense of dependency. The remedy: Be dependent. Ok, not completely dependent. You need to strike the balance between being independent but not fearing to admit some dependency on your lover. If the word “need” is too much for you, then go with the word “desire”, then take the plunge to express to your partner that you desire his or her love, comfort, recognition, respect… If there is something that your partner does best, let them know. For example, your partner makes a wicked coffee, thank him and let him know that his barista skills beat yours. Endless Harmony The Killer: I know I am pushing it now. But, endless harmony is the killer. The essence of relationships, as cliché as this sounds, are “its ups and downs.” Relationships will always have disagreements. If you are waiting for the day when you and your partner will never, ever fight again, you might want to reevaluate. If couples are in a relationship, past their honeymoon phase, and never fight or disagree, then their relationship is dead. Endless harmony means that one of you are not being honest. Partners will often avoid telling one another what they think or feel in order to avoid a fight. They create a façade of harmony when internally they are sitting on a lifetime of emotions they have never disclosed. Or, one partner is completely checked out of the relationship. He or she could not careless about their partner or their relationship. The remedy: Check in with one another. If expressing yourself in the moment is not your style or sometimes you don’t even know what you are feeling till after the fact, create a time of the day or week that is dedicated to sharing with your partner. For example, your partner mumbles under her breath that this is the third time this week she’s cleaned up after you and you are such a slob. You go about your day but find yourself irritable and yelling at your kids. You insightfully recognize that you were quiet hurt by your partner’s comment but you are unsure how to bring it up to her since the incident has passed. If you have a set time of day where you check in, you would be able to express your hurt feelings to your partner without trying to find the “right moment.” “I know everything about you” The Killer: Knowing everything there is to know about our partner makes us feel secure. We want to know what our partner is up to and we want to believe that our partner does not have hidden parts to him or self. However, there is a risk in believing that we know everything about him or her. The declaration of “I know everything there is to know about you” undermines and undervalues the complexity of the human psyche. We will never know each other completely -- that is what makes human relationships interesting, and yes, sometimes quite difficult. We are always changing, new environments stimulate different responses and triggering events evoke parts of our personality we might not have known about. When you stop being curious and discovering new aspects of your partner, your relationship stops growing. The remedy: Be curious. Remain open and curious to learn about your partner. Ask you partner questions with curiosity and leave judgment outside the room. Asking questions with curiosity gives the other person the opportunity to respond honestly rather than defensively. Curious questions cultivate respect in a relationship allowing space for individualism and honoring differences. By remaining curious, you are guaranteed to learn something new about your partner. AuthorSara Schapiro-Halberstam, LMHC, CASAC is a licensed mental health counselor in NYC, where she provides individual counseling and intimacy counseling. You can contact Sara at [email protected] and read more blog posts at www.mwr.nyc Every time I suggest to a client the idea of scheduling sex, without fail I get the same reaction. Either turning up their nose or a flat out no accompanied by “that so unromantic” or “it kills the vibe, if I need to schedule sex I would rather not do it.” Since you refuse to schedule sex, this is what it looks like: You want to flirt but you withhold because you're afraid that it will lead to sex and you just do not have time. Days go by as you and your partner make halfhearted attempts at initiating sex but you are both so distracted that nothing ever happens. You are tempted to sext your partner but abstain because you know you’ll both be drained at the end of the day, so why bother ignite the passion. You neglect to do anything to spark sexual tension because you've completely forgotten that sex is even a thing. Imagine this, you know that your sex-date is scheduled for Monday or Wednesday or whatever your favorite day of the week is. You allow yourself to flirt, because you know there is no way sex is happening. So flirt all you want because you are going right back to that task that is waiting for you. You sext or send naughty messages as your sex-date draws closer. You allow sexual tension to build up because you know you are going down (or up) with a bang. All the passion that you invest has a goal and when on your sex-date you are present, no distractions. You are excited to remain intimately engaged because you most definitely remember that sex is a still a thing. And if you break the schedule... have sex outside the allowed day… oh well, I doubt you'll complain. AuthorSara Schapiro-Halberstam, LMHC, CASAC is a licensed mental health counselor in NYC, where she provides individual counseling and intimacy counseling. You can contact Sara at [email protected] and read more blog posts at www.mwr.nyc |
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