Sexuality and gender are complex and complicated. For those who hate ambiguity, this might not be the greatest era. 

According to researcher Sandra Bem, gender is on a spectrum. Meaning, we can have both masculine and feminine traits. But, because we like to think in boxes, we are not comfortable with spectrums and we insist that people check the box. We are forced to pick a camp, thereby, limiting our emotional and behavioral openness.

Martin Bergmann in his book “Anatomy of Loving” explains that is hard to know true gender identity because society influences us. Gender stereotypes are enforced before we are even born. Some might argue that gender expectations are not particularly problematic; “why does it matter if we expect boys to be lawyers and girls to be nurses?” Besides for limiting our intellectual opportunities, the main issue with gender stereotypes are the repercussions. Men and women experience immense shame when they do not live up to their gender expectations.

Sigmund Freud believed that we are born bisexual and we suppress our attraction to the same-sex. Therefore, he wrote that we all have the potential to be gay.  Sexuality is fluid but we have been socialized to be heterosexual. This is not to say that all of us are attracted to the same-sex and we are denying it. Merely, some of us have emotional and sexual openness to both genders.

What about fantasies? Is this an indication that I am gay? No! Our sexual fantasies have specific psychological benefits (a longer conversation for a different time), in short; men experience gay fantasies as a relief. They feel that gay fantasies are less performance based and a test of their manhood. Yet, on the other hand, some men experience immense shame about their fantasies and see it as a threat to their masculinity. Similarly, women have gay fantasies or watch lesbian porn as well, and in the same way that men find these fantasies freeing, so do women. 
​
Perhaps bisexuality does not apply to you, but love sure does apply to you. When we fall in love with the opposite gender we are falling in love with gendered parts of ourselves that we rejected. From early on, we received explicit and implicit messages about what’s acceptable and lovable in a boy or a girl. We learned to shut down and cut off those parts (behaviors) that did not fit our gender. When we fall in love we feel whole again, because we have found the person who has the missing pieces.

​You promised your lover to be there in sickness and health. But, did you promise that you will always know what is on his or her mind? Where did this myth of “if you love me, you would know” come from? How has it happened that we began to equate “knowing everything about you” with love?

To feel loved, we need to feel known. But to be known, we need to talk, we need to show up, and we need to communicate. I don’t know where we went so wrong that we decided that “true lovers” could skip the step of communication. And to be known means that my partner can read my mind and understand my subtle hints. Again and again, I hear the phrase, “if you loved me, you would know what I need” or “If you loved me, you would know why I am upset.”

 Why is “dropping a hint” is problematic? Not everyone understands hints. We are not all great mind-readers. In fact, studies show that we over estimate our skills of mind-reading but, we are terrible at mind-reading (Ames & Kammrath, 2004).
 
Here is how a hint dropping situation ends:
You tell your partner “I’ll be home late tonight” (You are thinking that if you tell them you will be late they will get the hint that you are still upset about how they yelled at you last night).

Your partner hears, “He/she will be home late tonight” and they go about making plans for the evening.

You get upset and you start making interpretations such as, “he/she is so self-centered. He/she does not even realize that I am upset.”

As you are stewing in your office and staying out late, your partner is pouring him or herself some red wine and enjoying their favorite Netflix show.

As promised, you come home late, only to find your partner on the couch smiling peacefully at the TV screen. You get even angrier. You make more interpretations, confirming your earlier hypothesis; He/she is self-absorbed, stupid, unaware, selfish, doesn’t care about you… You storm off to bed.

Sounds familiar?

By dropping a hint and failing to communicate directly, you exacerbated a situation that could have been tamed by merely sharing your feelings. Sharing your feelings will get you closer to having your needs met. Most importantly, authentic communication is a direct pathway toward intimacy and marital satisfaction. 

Expecting your partner to mind-read and sending hints only digs you deeper into your cocoon of misery. It does not benefit your relationship. Period. Hints just intensify your anger at your partner because you are enraged by how oblivious he or she is. You get angrier, and your partner gets more confused.  Avoiding direct communication causes you both to be uneasy and feel insecure. It is never clear if someone is upset and both of you end up in a lonely corner where you are constantly wondering if someone is upset because someone failed to “get the hint”.

In summary, if you find yourself dropping hints, take the hint and recognize that you and your partner are not comfortable with communication. In order to avoid the dropping-hints-trap, state your needs clearly and specifically. Remember that your partner does not live inside your brain.