Feature by Nikita Fernandes 

​William James, the father of psychology, used magnetic force as a metaphor to describe human connection and love. He explained that if we took a magnet and hovered it over safety pins the pins would connect to the magnet. And, if you put a paper on the magnet and hovered it over the same safety pins - the pins would still gravitate to the magnet and connect. For the pins, there is no difference between being connected directly to the magnet, or if there is a paper between itself and the magnetic force. However, humans are different. 

                



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Baby has arrived! The parents are elated with the new addition to the family. The baby takes in all the love showered onto him/her. When an infant is born he or she does not have a sense of self. He is not aware of where he ends and others begin; there is a bubble around him/her and mother. According to Margret Mahler, the task for the newborn infant is to develop his sense of self as an individual and separate person. 
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 At first, the infant is self-absorbed and perceives him/herself and mother as one. Then, the infant begins to be alert and curios about the world. Once the baby begins to crawl, he/she can actively experiment with being separate from the mother. Finally, the child recognizes that his mobile ability separates him from the mother. Yet, the baby still wants his mother near him as he ventures out. The mother’s reaction, to the child’s tentative experimentation with exploring the world, will determine the development of an individual self in the child. If the mother responds by being impatient with the child’s uncertainty, or with anger toward the child’s need for separateness, the child will fail to develop a strong sense of self. A child whose mother is unreliable, intrusive, and emotionally unavailable will develop fears of engulfment or abandonment. These fears will seriously interfere with the ability to be intimate in later years.  

The relationship between mother and child is the “prototype” for later intimate relationships. Since the attachment between the mother and child is the first intimate experience, good enough parenting establishes the ability for later intimate romantic relationships. Intimacy is dependent on the person’s ability to self-disclose and share personal information with the intimate other. Intimate relationships call on the person’s willingness to be vulnerable and trust that their partner will not abandon them. Most importantly, the person must trust his or her sense of self, that he or she will not completely collapse and lose their sense of self.  

Eric Erikson postulated that a healthy development trajectory includes the achievement of intimacy. If one does not resolve the developmental crisis of intimacy versus isolation, by forming close romantic relationships, their development to later stages are hindered. However, Erikson explains that in order to be intimate, a person first needs to have a self. As he quotes, “To be able to share a WE, we must have sense of I” (Erikson, 1984).

The core of the psychic fear of intimacy is the fear of merging and engulfment by the other. Weak ego boundaries and the inability to maintain a sense of self is a threat to the self-identity and being intimate with a partner is a danger. As mentioned above, in order to be intimate one needs to have the capacity to be vulnerable, thereby loosening his or her boundaries. For a person with a poor sense of self, loosening his or her boundaries means a total loss of self. The paradox of intimacy is the ability to simultaneously remain separate yet connected. Intimacy requires a level of merging. But, for someone who cannot maintain his or her separate self, intimacy becomes impossible. The person fears that if they open themselves up to the other person, they will merge and be engulfed by their partner. Therefore, avoiding intimacy is a defense against the loss of self.

Another area to consider is when one feels that their partner is merging into them. The partner’s genuine and caring attempt to be intimate is seen as an infringement on his or her autonomy. As one partner moves toward deeper intimacy, the other partner resists. (sexual acting out (i.e. infidelity) can potentially be an attempt to resist the deeper intimacy). It is important to note that everyone struggles with the dilemma of engulfment and the desire for an intimate relationship. The capacity to be intimate is dependent on the extent of the dilemma. The ability to trust that one can maintain their own identity without fusing into their partner’s identity; opens the space for intimacy to flourish. 

“Do you go to the gym because you hate your body? Or do you go to the gym because you love your body?” Lisa, a registered dietitian and the founder of The Well Necessities, recently asked this question; I was intrigued. On the surface, as long as I am going to the gym, who cares why I go to the gym. But, emotionally and psychologically the answer to this question changes my experience and my relationship with fitness and healthy living. I can head to the gym with excitement, passion, and joy, or feel like I am being pushed or dragged toward the gym door.

This question applies to many areas of our life, particularly in romantic relationships. We need to ask ourselves; why do we do what we do? Is it to avoid a consequence? Or are we driven by self-love?  

We spend much of our life making decisions based on avoiding consequences. Can you stop and ask yourself “Why do I (fill in the blank)?”
 
Do you buy flowers because you love your wife/husband and the two of you as a couple?
Do you buy flowers because you know she/he will be upset?
 
Are you going to therapy to heal from your sexual transgressions because your relationship is important to you?
Are you going to therapy to heal from a sexual transgression because you can’t stand the guilt you’re living with?
 
Are you spending time with your kids because you cherish them?
Are you spending time with your kids because you do not want to be a bad father/mother?
 
The behavioral outcomes (i.e. you bought flowers) are the same, yet the emotional experience is vastly different. If we make decisions and do things because we are avoiding consequences, we never truly connect to the emotional benefits of our actions. Making a choice out of willingness - rather than avoidance - allows us to be immersed in the experience. Most importantly, the choice will feel natural and effortless. 

​I used to wonder what makes one individual more resilient than another when faced with a painful situation or struggle. Linehan M. speaks on the concept of radical acceptance and its usefulness in painful situations. When one is faced with a painful or challenging situation, there are several ways in which he or she can perform: they can solve the problem, change how they feel about it, accept it, or stay miserable. However, Linehan talks about total and complete acceptance – radical acceptance – as a way to manage life’s challenges. When one accepts his or her situation, it doesn’t necessarily mean the person is glad about it. In actuality, radical acceptance may bring about sadness; but this is accompanied by an added feeling of centeredness. On the other hand, when we don’t radically accept our situation, the sadness may not be present. Instead, a deep sense of unbearable pain may take its place. 

There are times when reality is painful and, as a result, we try to push away the associated emotions and or fight against it through unhealthy coping mechanisms. Although this form of coping tends to bring about a temporary relief, in the long run, it intensifies the unwanted feelings. This happens when we bury the underlining emotions or situations and instead resort to obtaining temporary relief through unhealthy coping mechanisms. When one incorporates radical acceptance into their daily life, they are committing to accepting their reality as it is, and understanding what they can and cannot control. Furthermore, part of radical acceptance is being nonjudgmental and looking at just the facts of the situation, in addition to letting go and not fighting against the reality of the situation. While Many of us find it difficult to be present when dealing with uncomfortable and painful moments or emotions, that is all part of radical acceptance through which we can achieve a meaningful life.

​Taking a step towards self-betterment, and achieving a sense of centeredness happens when one completely and totally accept their reality, even if they think the reality is unbearable. Through psychotherapy, therapists and clients work together to bring about a radical acceptance of the past and present, in order to accomplish a more centered sense of self in any given situation.




Reference
Linehan, M. Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy of Borderline Personality Disorder. New York: The Guilford Press, 1993. ​

​Anxiety may cause many physical complications and jeopardize one’s physical health, even though the origin is due to a mental component. It’s interesting that a mental thing can cause a physical effect. Lets take for example the fight-or-flight response; your system creates the stress chemicals (adrenaline, norepinephrine, and cortisol) causing your heart to race and blood pressure to increase. This response is there to save us from danger, however in many cases when faced with mildly stressful situations we tend to interpret as threatening and instead of it helping us, it causes our brains to overreact to various situations as threatening. However, this continuous exaggerated brain activity can cause abrasions and deterioration to the heart, muscles and brain. There are some individuals that don’t necessarily internalize the daily anxiety and stresses. What makes one individual more prone to struggle with anxiety as apposed to another? Nature and nurture both play an important roll. On the one hand, learning how to react to stress may be a learned behavior, which was modeled by parents and or caregivers. On the other hand, a genetic predisposition to be reactive or calm is another side of the coin.

​Various activities to help reduce anxiety

1. Exercise – exercise has proven to reduce the impact of stress on the body
2. Balanced diet and a good nights sleep are both important in helping to reduce anxiety
3. Mindfulness – techniques combining the mind and body has been proven to assist in managing stress. Particularly, the practice of Tai chi has been brought to the attention of mental health therapists due to its ability to lower stress. Mindfulness helps calm our anxiety through deep breathing and improving flexibility.

 
Using all or some of the strategies mentioned above may help reduce stress and bring about an overall well-being, both mentally and physically. 

People who are Smarter than you
Being around people who are smarter or more intellectual than you can expand your own intelligence. Having intellectual conversations heightens your intellect. We become smarter by challenging our thinking and stretching beyond the basics. Having smart people around you will force you to keep up with them. If you want to be smarter, hang around the smart folks.
 
People who are Positive
People with positive energy infuse positivity into others. Choose to be around the people who will encourage your goals and passions. Positive people are the ones who believe in their own success and are able to support those around them to achieve and succeed. Positive people are always looking ahead instead of wallowing in the past, encouraging others to do the same.
 
People who are Confident
Confident people are able to foster confidence in others. People who are confident are not afraid of your success, your confidence, and your healthy self-esteem. Bud Blinach writes the following about confident people, “They are not threatened by you or your success. They realize that self-esteem is not a fixed pie. There is an unlimited amount of it to go around, so positive people are always giving it away.”  Confident people are there for you when you doubt yourself by boosting you up when needed.
 
People who are Active and Living Healthy
You are more likely to be overweight if your friends are overweight. Obesity is contagious. People who are not active and are not conscious about their eating habits and are more likely to plan social gatherings that involve way too much nachos, cheese, fried foods, and watching TV. People who are active and aspire toward healthy leaving will plan social gatherings that suit their healthy lifestyle. Dragging you along for the ride. Oops, I mean run. It is easier to make healthy choices when everyone around you is doing the same.
 
NOT like-minded People
Surrounding yourself with like-minded people is important, but there are risks to only being with like-minded people. Sprinkling in some friends who have different opinions than your own will give you the perfect mix. Having people around you with differing opinions will force you to defend your position, consider different options, challenge your thinking, and it will make life more exciting.
 
People who say Thank You
Are there people in your life that take your ideas or advice and never give you the credit? It’s time to cut them loose. Leeches are everywhere. These are the people who are always copying everyone around them but never give credit where credit is due. Surround yourself with people who respect and admire your ideas/advice and they are capable of thanking you when they implement changes in their life that were inspired by you.
 
Take inventory. Who are the people in your life who add something constructive, and who are the people who subtract from your life? Choose to stick around the people who will make you a better person, encourage your growth, and will push you past your limits.

​Couples avoid couples therapy because they are tired of hearing what their partner thinks they are doing wrong. Most fights between couples are based on “you always do that and you never do this” kind of phrases. Lots of finger pointing and change never happens. Couples meet each other at a standoff. Each one refusing to move and insisting they are waiting for the other to make the move.
 
Why is it that we forget about our own personal growth, interests, motivations, and are only able to see how our partner is getting in our way? What happened to the fierce, independent, conquer the world, person you once were? Many people in relationships place all responsibility on the other and they fail to give themselves credit for what they are capable of, both the good and the bad.
 
Finger pointing not only causes fights, it causes your self-esteem to plummet. You once believed in your capabilities but since you started your relationship you relinquished it all to your partner. Now, you insist that the only way you can be successful is if your partner is on board. Challenge yourself. Can you move forward with your career goals, personal goals, becoming the person you want to be, regardless of where your partner is at?  Homaira Kabir, a positive psychology life coach, speaks about the importance of learning your own inner world in her article Why Should I Make The Effort.
 
Investing time in a standoff is a lose-lose. If no one makes a move the relationship will continue to suffer. If the relationship ends, you have wasted a lot of time becoming someone you do not like, now you need to work to undo the mess. Additionally, you wasted time where you could’ve been pursuing your own goals, now that the relationship has ended you are still in the same spot that you where when the relationship began. 
 
Couples therapy does not have to be about continued finger pointing, you can do that at home (and its free). Couples therapy should be focused on developing personal responsibility and taking back your individual powers. Continuing to invest in yourself will help you achieve your own goals, thereby enhancing your self-esteem, which will hopefully trigger a change in the standoff you’ve been having with your partner for so many months. 

Gender – There are three aspects that makeup the complete understanding of ones own gender:
1. Biological gender - your physical gender presentation
2. Gender Identity - your internal understanding of self as male, female, both, or none
3. Gender Expression - how you relate to another gender.
 
Sex – the anatomy you have at birth, including your gonads, your sex chromosomes, and sex hormones. When a baby is born, the baby is assigned the male or female sex according to the physical presentation.
 
Developing a gender identity: John Money (1993) explains that we understand our gender identity in two ways, identifying and complementing. Identifying is when we copy someone who has the same gender identity as our own. Complementing is when we learn how our gender identity compliments another’s gender identity. For example, we learn how to dance by identifying (copying) with the instructor and we learn about the beauty of dance by watching how we compliment our dancing partner.
 
The gender spectrum: Because we see sex and gender as interchangeable terms we have only two affixed terms for gender: male or female. Yet, taking a look at the Bem Sex Role Inventory tells us that gender is more complex than the assigned sexual anatomy. The Bem-Sex role inventory was designed in 1971 in order to measure the masculine, feminine, and androgynous traits in each person. The inventory places each person on a spectrum from femininity to masculinity in contrast to 2 affixed terms.
 
To more accurately explain the human experience we would have to move away from our binary understanding of gender, to a continuum of gender traits. While many may don't care about their male or female title, some are yearning to connect to their gender experience with a more expansive non-binary term. Welcoming a gender spectrum would benefit even those who are comfortable with their matched sex and gender (cis-gender). This would allow all of us to experience both our male and female attributes without feeling forced to suppress our counter-sex traits.
 
See this video posted by The Huffington Post for a detailed list of gender identity terms.
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In 2012 the FDA approved the first HIV over-the-counter, home-use test. Users can do a simple oral swab and will receive a response in a matter of minutes. Unfortunately, the test did not get the attention it deserves. The benefits of the OraQuick in-home HIV tests can help people know their HIV status a lot sooner.  The sooner someone knows their HIV status, the sooner they can get help. Treating HIV early improves treatment outcomes and quality of life.
 
The test is a simple oral swab and it will indicate a negative or positive response. A positive result on the test means the person has antibodies for the disease and should go see their primary care physician immediately. A negative result indicates the person has not been infected because the body did not build the antibodies. It is important to note that antibodies take time to build, if you know you have participated in risky sexual behaviors or shared a needle, test yourself again a few weeks or months later.
 
Many people avoid getting tested for HIV because they delay making an appointment, they are concerned about meeting someone in the waiting room, they are afraid to wait for their results an entire week, they get queasy around needles, and other reasons people avoid getting tested. The OraQuick in-home HIV test solves many of the above concerns. A. No waiting to see a doctor. The test is done in the comfort of your own home B. No need to worry about bumping into someone you do not want to meet in the waiting room C. The response is immediate, unlike other test where you wait for your results.  D. If you are afraid of needles, you do not have to draw blood. E. This is quick and easy. If you know you are at risk of contracting HIV you can stock up with these tests at home and test yourself every 3 to 6 months. If you are still not convinced, read this article on 7 reasons to get tested for HIV.
 
OraQuick can be purchased on Amazon.com #gettested
 
*Disclaimer: This article is not about endorsing the product but to bring awareness to the public. The best way to protect yourself from HIV and STD’s is practicing safe sex.