​William James, the father of psychology, used magnetic force as a metaphor to describe human connection and love. He explained that if we took a magnet and hovered it over safety pins the pins would connect to the magnet. And, if you put a paper on the magnet and hovered it over the same safety pins - the pins would still gravitate to the magnet and connect. For the pins, there is no difference between being connected directly to the magnet, or if there is a paper between itself and the magnetic force. However, humans are different. 

“Do you go to the gym because you hate your body? Or do you go to the gym because you love your body?” Lisa, a registered dietitian and the founder of The Well Necessities, recently asked this question; I was intrigued. On the surface, as long as I am going to the gym, who cares why I go to the gym. But, emotionally and psychologically the answer to this question changes my experience and my relationship with fitness and healthy living. I can head to the gym with excitement, passion, and joy, or feel like I am being pushed or dragged toward the gym door.

This question applies to many areas of our life, particularly in romantic relationships. We need to ask ourselves; why do we do what we do? Is it to avoid a consequence? Or are we driven by self-love?  

We spend much of our life making decisions based on avoiding consequences. Can you stop and ask yourself “Why do I (fill in the blank)?”
 
Do you buy flowers because you love your wife/husband and the two of you as a couple?
Do you buy flowers because you know she/he will be upset?
 
Are you going to therapy to heal from your sexual transgressions because your relationship is important to you?
Are you going to therapy to heal from a sexual transgression because you can’t stand the guilt you’re living with?
 
Are you spending time with your kids because you cherish them?
Are you spending time with your kids because you do not want to be a bad father/mother?
 
The behavioral outcomes (i.e. you bought flowers) are the same, yet the emotional experience is vastly different. If we make decisions and do things because we are avoiding consequences, we never truly connect to the emotional benefits of our actions. Making a choice out of willingness - rather than avoidance - allows us to be immersed in the experience. Most importantly, the choice will feel natural and effortless. 

Sexuality and gender are complex and complicated. For those who hate ambiguity, this might not be the greatest era. 

According to researcher Sandra Bem, gender is on a spectrum. Meaning, we can have both masculine and feminine traits. But, because we like to think in boxes, we are not comfortable with spectrums and we insist that people check the box. We are forced to pick a camp, thereby, limiting our emotional and behavioral openness.

Martin Bergmann in his book “Anatomy of Loving” explains that is hard to know true gender identity because society influences us. Gender stereotypes are enforced before we are even born. Some might argue that gender expectations are not particularly problematic; “why does it matter if we expect boys to be lawyers and girls to be nurses?” Besides for limiting our intellectual opportunities, the main issue with gender stereotypes are the repercussions. Men and women experience immense shame when they do not live up to their gender expectations.

Sigmund Freud believed that we are born bisexual and we suppress our attraction to the same-sex. Therefore, he wrote that we all have the potential to be gay.  Sexuality is fluid but we have been socialized to be heterosexual. This is not to say that all of us are attracted to the same-sex and we are denying it. Merely, some of us have emotional and sexual openness to both genders.

What about fantasies? Is this an indication that I am gay? No! Our sexual fantasies have specific psychological benefits (a longer conversation for a different time), in short; men experience gay fantasies as a relief. They feel that gay fantasies are less performance based and a test of their manhood. Yet, on the other hand, some men experience immense shame about their fantasies and see it as a threat to their masculinity. Similarly, women have gay fantasies or watch lesbian porn as well, and in the same way that men find these fantasies freeing, so do women. 
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Perhaps bisexuality does not apply to you, but love sure does apply to you. When we fall in love with the opposite gender we are falling in love with gendered parts of ourselves that we rejected. From early on, we received explicit and implicit messages about what’s acceptable and lovable in a boy or a girl. We learned to shut down and cut off those parts (behaviors) that did not fit our gender. When we fall in love we feel whole again, because we have found the person who has the missing pieces.

​You promised your lover to be there in sickness and health. But, did you promise that you will always know what is on his or her mind? Where did this myth of “if you love me, you would know” come from? How has it happened that we began to equate “knowing everything about you” with love?

To feel loved, we need to feel known. But to be known, we need to talk, we need to show up, and we need to communicate. I don’t know where we went so wrong that we decided that “true lovers” could skip the step of communication. And to be known means that my partner can read my mind and understand my subtle hints. Again and again, I hear the phrase, “if you loved me, you would know what I need” or “If you loved me, you would know why I am upset.”

 Why is “dropping a hint” is problematic? Not everyone understands hints. We are not all great mind-readers. In fact, studies show that we over estimate our skills of mind-reading but, we are terrible at mind-reading (Ames & Kammrath, 2004).
 
Here is how a hint dropping situation ends:
You tell your partner “I’ll be home late tonight” (You are thinking that if you tell them you will be late they will get the hint that you are still upset about how they yelled at you last night).

Your partner hears, “He/she will be home late tonight” and they go about making plans for the evening.

You get upset and you start making interpretations such as, “he/she is so self-centered. He/she does not even realize that I am upset.”

As you are stewing in your office and staying out late, your partner is pouring him or herself some red wine and enjoying their favorite Netflix show.

As promised, you come home late, only to find your partner on the couch smiling peacefully at the TV screen. You get even angrier. You make more interpretations, confirming your earlier hypothesis; He/she is self-absorbed, stupid, unaware, selfish, doesn’t care about you… You storm off to bed.

Sounds familiar?

By dropping a hint and failing to communicate directly, you exacerbated a situation that could have been tamed by merely sharing your feelings. Sharing your feelings will get you closer to having your needs met. Most importantly, authentic communication is a direct pathway toward intimacy and marital satisfaction. 

Expecting your partner to mind-read and sending hints only digs you deeper into your cocoon of misery. It does not benefit your relationship. Period. Hints just intensify your anger at your partner because you are enraged by how oblivious he or she is. You get angrier, and your partner gets more confused.  Avoiding direct communication causes you both to be uneasy and feel insecure. It is never clear if someone is upset and both of you end up in a lonely corner where you are constantly wondering if someone is upset because someone failed to “get the hint”.

In summary, if you find yourself dropping hints, take the hint and recognize that you and your partner are not comfortable with communication. In order to avoid the dropping-hints-trap, state your needs clearly and specifically. Remember that your partner does not live inside your brain.

I recently read the book by Emily Nagoski “Come as you are” and the overall voice of her book is her intense desire to announce to the world “you need to know this!” I caught that fever when I read the chapter on sexual non-concordance. Here I am carrying the inspiration forward and shouting (in my head) you need to know this!

What is sexual non-concordance?
Sexual concordance is when the genital response and the subjective sexual response; “I am interested in sexy time” are in alignment. Meaning, that there are evident physiological responses; a man has an erection and a woman has vaginal swelling and lubrication, plus the person reports feeling aroused. Sexual non-concordance is when we consciously do not report sexual arousal, but physiologically, our body is responding. Visa versa, we can subjectively report interest in sexual activity but physiologically the genitals are not aroused (Nagoski, 2015). For example, a woman might feel aroused and excited to have sex with her partner, but when she attempts to have sex she experiences vaginal dryness. Similarly, a man might be excited and emotionally aroused but then unable to attain an erection.

How does this sexual non-concordance happen?
There are two ways that we process information; bottom up processing and top down processing. Bottom up processing is referring to our bodies response to outside stimuli that is not in our conscious control. Top down processing is referring to our cognitive appraisal, cognitive control, and attention toward stimuli presented to us. Top down processing is dependent on personal goals, biases, perception, appraisal, and what we believe is appropriate. Top down is an active process and a conscious response to information. As for bottom up, it is an automatic response without our conscious control.
Bottom up sexual arousal is the physiological response to sexually explicit stimuli (something you find sexy), such that there is genital arousal, however, this does not mean that you will be interested in sexy time. Even more, you might not even be conscious of your arousal. Researchers showed a variety of porn scenes to men and women and asked them to rate the porn based on how aroused they felt. The participants reported feeling aroused for only one type of porn but when they measured their physiological sexual arousal (heart rate, vaginal blood flow) they were equally aroused for all the porn scenes. Top down sexual arousal, is the conscious awareness AND interest in sexual arousal. Such that, the person will report the sexual arousal and possibly pursue sexual activity. For example, being touched gently by your partner while you are rushing and trying to leave the house might feel irritating. If you are being touched gently by your partner while relaxing in bed, you will experience the touch as sexually arousing. This means that being aware of sexual information or receiving sexual stimulation is not enough. The top down processing is responsible for the motivation and interest in sexual activity.
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Because two systems are at play when sexual arousal and sexual interest occur, there is a potential for miscommunications between the systems. Not only is there miscommunication between systems, sometimes, the top down process suppress and stops the bottom up processing. Once the person is sexually stimulated, he or she must make the conscious decision to enjoy the sexual arousal in pursuit of sexual activity. However, since top down processing is subject to biases, attitudes, and social rules, it can easily interfere with genital arousal and stop sexual arousal despite the desire to be sexually active. As mentioned before, top down processing is our cognitive control over presented information. Even if there is a biological genital response to sexually explicit information, the possibility of sexual arousal is dependent on the mood and the environment. We cognitively need to evaluate the sexual stimulus and the environment as arousing. Hence, there might be blood flow to the genitals and vaginal lubrication (bottom up), but if the conscious mind (top down) is not “in the mood”, or in the right emotional state, sexual activity will not happen.
 

​The common myth is that men desire pleasure and women desire intimacy. In fact, men and women want more than just intimacy and pleasure. Even more so, research has shown that the myth that men are only interested in sex is false, men desire intimacy as well. There are three things men and women desire most. Men desire, pleasing their partner, pleasure, and orgasm and women desire, intimacy, feeling sexually desirable, and emotional closeness.
 
The Man
Pleasing his partner
The challenge for some men is that they do not know how, or what to do in order to please their partner. To help your man please you, start to communicate. Let your partner know what you enjoy. Research shows that people who are more sexually forward have higher sexual satisfaction. When a man is able to please his partner it affirms his masculinity. An excited partner is rewarding feedback, letting him know that he is doing a good job.
 
Desire for pleasure and orgasm
Sex has a different meaning for men and women. Men desire sex because this is how they feel loved. They see sex as being needed and wanted by their partner. Men will often want to have sex when they feel lonely or rejected by their partner. This is not to say, that men only want sex and not intimacy. Lack of open communication about sexual preferences and interests can significantly hinder sexual satisfaction. Often, men avoid telling their partners about a specific sexual position or sexual play that they would like to try, out of the fear that their partner will reject them. When your partner shares with you his interests, respond respectfully and avoid judgment.
 
The Woman
Intimacy and emotional closeness
Women see sex as a reinforcement of their love. Women desire sex most, when they are feeling intimate and close to their partner. For some people, emotional closeness and intimacy feels threatening. These people avoid being vulnerable with their partners because they fear their partner will judge them or abandon them.
 
Feeling sexually desirable
When a woman does not feel sexually desired she is more likely to close herself off and avoid having sex with her partner. If you are finding that your lady is being very argumentative, or gets very upset when you go out with your friends, that means your lady is feeling unloved and unnoticed. Women who do not feel sexually desirable are more prone to having an affair
 
Most importantly, not all men and women are the same. Tune-in and take the time to notice what your partner wants the most. 

 
When marrying, for the majority of traditional couples, there is an implicit understanding that the relationship is exclusive between the two partners. Yet, Darrel Ray, Ed.D sites in his book, Sex & God: How Religion Distorts Sexuality, that 70% of couples indicate that they have cheated on their partner. Much research points to the idea that humans are not wired for monogamy. The commitment to monogamy is based on religious and social expectations (Ray, 2012).
 
It is important to understand the motivation for cheating when one is in a committed relationship. Understanding the motivations can possibly help prevent cheating. It can also help the partner forgive the one who has transgressed.
 
1.Opportunity 
In the article, To Stay or Stray? the author calls this category of cheating, “crimes of opportunity.” Simply, an opportunity presented itself and the person took it. Perhaps he or she was traveling out of town, a partner was not home, or the office was empty and a hot co-worker came onto him or her. All these incidents are indicative of a last-minute fling. The person may have never thought of cheating before, an opportunity came about and they acted on it.
 
2.Emotional affair
The other side of something as flippant as opportunity is the need for an emotional connection. Often, one partner might feel lonely or bored in the relationship. When an affair happens, it is to fill the void. Researchers have found while men indicate reasons for cheating are related to both sexual and emotional dissatisfaction, women more often indicate emotional dissatisfaction. This is not to say women only cheat for emotional dissatisfaction. As women are becoming more financially independent, their motivations for cheating are beginning to equal the motivations for cheating in men.
 
3.To act on a fetish or sexual fantasy
Sexual interests don’t always line up. In fact, sexual interests do not have to line up. Each person should have the space to express his or her interest or disinterest in a particular sexual fetish or fantasy. The trouble begins when one cannot take a no for an answer. When a partner expressed disinterest in acting on the fetish, the other finds someone who will participate in his or her sexual fetish. There is always an option of permitting your partner to go out on their own and find a space to express their need (see When Someone You Love is Kinky by Dossie Easton). But, hiding from your partner that you are seeking your sexual fetish elsewhere and having sex outside of your relationship, is cheating.
 
4.Revenge
Couples can seek revenge for many reasons. Having a relationship where taking revenge is the norm, is toxic and unhealthy. Revenge can either be because one partner cheated or was suspected of cheating. Yet, revenge can also be for reasons other than the partner’s sexual transgressions. Out of anger, spite, hurt, rejection, a person will have an affair to punish the action of his or her partner.
 
5.Curiosity / sexual boredom
Sexual energy and the sexual libido between two people are often not a perfect match. Healthy couples are able to find a balance where both partners are satisfied. Struggling couples cannot seem to find the balance, causing one partner step outside of the relationship. An imbalance in sexual interest does not excuse the action. If you need something, say something. There are many ways couples can maneuver around this imbalance. Cheating does not have to be the answer. 
 
All of the above are not to justify cheating but to bring awareness to the triggers. If you see any of these red flags in your relationship talk it through with your partner. If speaking to your partner seems difficult, seek out a therapist who can help you find solutions to your concerns. 

​Sara Schapiro-Halberstam, MHC-LP, CASAC is a psychotherapist in New York City where she practices individual therapy, couples counseling, and sex counseling. You can contact Sara at sara@mwr.nyc and read more blog posts at www.mwr.nyc
Follow me on Instagram @sexfacts4dummies
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The term courtship is defined by the Webster dictionary as; “a period during which a couple develop a romantic relationship, especially with a view to marriage.” How does developing the romantic relationship work? What does having a view toward marriage look like? How long is this period? What does the relationship look like? What behavior does this period include? None of us ever sat down to a “here’s what courtship is” kind of talk. While some can navigate the courting scene seamlessly, others find themselves stuck in a rut. Patrick Carnes, in his book Facing the Shadows, outlines the stages of courtship. Knowing each phase can help you identify where you are getting stuck, or which step you are overlooking, causing courting to go awry.
 
Noticing – This is the conscious ability to recognize traits that you find attractive yet at the same time recognizing traits that may not be good for you. “Noticing also means discriminating (Carnes, 2010).”
 
Attraction – Permitting yourself to feel interested in the other person and being capable of imagining yourself acting on your desires. There is a desire and interest to learn more about the emotional, physical, and intellectual traits of the other person. Attraction is what keeps an existing relationship alive, by remaining open to the unknown, change, and learning new things about your partner.
 
Flirting – Everyone should have some flirting skills, even animals in the wild flirt. Bowerbirds in Australia build nests and decorate the nests for potential mates. The purpose of flirting is to send a signal to the potential partner that you are interested and attracted to them. Flirting includes playful, seductive, and charming behavioral social cues. Flirting also requires recognition of when it is appropriate to flirt. 
 
Demonstration – In Bonobo mating we call this phase; “presenting”. The female Bonobo will present her swollen genitals to the males in the group, signaling her interest in mating. Demonstrating is showing the potential partner your prowess at a specific skill, physical trait, capability, or sexual act with the intention of attracting the other person to you. Obviously, demonstration must be done appropriately and only after interest was shown by the other person.
 
Romance – Notice how many steps come before romance. The definition (see above) of courtship seems to go directly to the romance phase. Romance is the “ability to experience, express, and receive passion (Carnes, 2010).” Receiving passion from another requires a sense of self-worth and recognition that you are worthy of another persons love. Romance also requires being in reality and recognizing when romance is shared or only a projection or imagination. 
 
Individuation – Individuation is the opposite of enmeshment. Enmeshment is when a person does not have his or her own identity in the relationship. When people are in love it is easy to forgo ones own desires, interests, and goals, causing them to lose their own identity. Being an individual in the relationship constitutes the ability to be able to ask for your needs without the fear of being rejected or going elsewhere for your needs. Individuation is a sense of freedom to be who you are and confident that your partner will not intimidate or force you to change.
 
Intimacy – The key components for intimacy are attachment and the ability to be vulnerable. In order for an intimate relationship to develop you need to be willing to attach to another and allow the other to attach to you. Attachment requires the willingness to be vulnerable and open with your partner. Intimacy is:  “Being known fully and staying anyway (Carnes, 2010).” Intimacy is a risk. If you fear that your partner will reject you, you will create barriers so that they never fully see you.
 
Touching – There are different types of touch in romantic relationships; Intimate touch, sensual touch, and erotic touch. Couples can incorporate all levels of touch during the relationship or at different stages in the relationship. For touch to feel safe there must be respect of each other’s bodies and respect of each other’s boundaries. Each partner should feel confident to say no to touch that they do not feel comfortable with. If you cannot say “no” then you cannot say “yes”.
 
Foreplay – Foreplay is a very important aspect of courting and should not be skipped. Foreplay allows partners to express their deep sexual passion toward each other. Foreplay is a sharing of pleasure and the goal does not have to be intercourse. Sometimes, foreplay is the goal itself.
 
Intercourse –  “More than the exchange of body fluids, this is the ability to surrender oneself to passion (Carnes, 2010).” In order to be able to surrender oneself to another, there has to be trust between partners. Intercourse is a form of giving up control; where you allow your partner to see your vulnerabilities. Intercourse has no rules, abandon ideas of how it “should” be.
 
Commitment – Commitment is the phase in which partners commit to each other by bonding and attachment. When a relationship does not have feelings of attachment partners will look elsewhere for attachment. This can lead one to seek out “trusting attachments” such as, alcohol, drugs, sex, and risk-taking behaviors.
 
Renewal – Courting never ends. Renewal is continuing courtship even in a committed long-term relationship or marriage. Continuing to flirt and attract your partner. Continuing to show interest and care for each other.
 
When we encounter relationship dysfunctions or struggles while dating it is indicative of a hiccup in one of these stages. Notice how marriage is not included on the list. Courtship does not have to include marriage or a vision toward marriage. Courtship requires a willingness to be open and vulnerable so you can create a trusting bond with one another.
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The basic rule about sex is that as long as the act/action is Safe, Sane, and Consensual, enjoy it at your hearts content. How do we define sexual consent? Generally, consent is when two (or more) individuals agree on a specific sex act. The consent given is only for the particular encounter. If your partner consents to kissing, it does not mean that he or she consented to intercourse.
 
Sometimes, consent is not a simple “yes you may.” You cannot say yes, if you cannot say no. If you do not feel comfortable saying no to sex or a specific sex act, your yes, is not a yes.
 
Here are some questions to ponder: If a student has sex with her professor, is that consent? Or, if a 19 year- old girl has sex with her 50 year-old neighbor, is that consent? Can consent be given if the partners are not equal in their levels of sexual maturity?  
 
How about, if one partner is not emotionally stable? For example, you are aware that the boy you are pursuing recently had a trauma in his life. Or, the girl you are pursuing is struggling with an addiction or a mental illness. Are these individuals truly consenting?
 
Most importantly, is it consent if one partner is intoxicated? Perhaps you are a little tipsy but your partner is surely drunk, is it okay to make out with him or her? Who is the one responsible in this situation?
 
And then there is the encounter where consent is not explicitly spoken about. “But he or she did not say no!” If they did not say no, does it mean they said yes?
 
These are complex questions that test our ethical boundaries. Always remember to watch for the other persons’ body language, facial expression, and listen to what they are saying. Rather err on the side of less sex, than err on the side of having non-consensual sex.
 
What do you think?