​Feature by Nikita Fernandes

Feature by Nikita Fernandes

Image via Unplash

Feature by Nikita Fernandes

Richard Schwartz created the Internal Family Systems (IFS) model to work with clients who held conflicting views of themselves. He explained these conflicts as having various parts within ourselves. As human beings, we are made up of different parts that serve specific functions. Internal Family Systems is a powerfully transformative, evidence-based model of psychotherapy. The mind is considered to be naturally made up of multiple sub-personalities or families within each individual’s mental system. These sub-personalities take on different roles, such as an inner critic or inner child, and consist of wounded parts and painful feelings like anger and shame.

The definition of self-esteem is one’s evaluation of their own self-worth. The ultimate question being, “Am I worthy?” Our culture has hijacked worthiness into being something that society decides upon. It is no longer, “I am worthy just because”, but it is “I am worthy because I earn money, I am a mother, I have a career, I own a car… “ Hence, if worthiness has been hijacked, so has self-esteem. Self-esteem has become the pursuit of all the things society decided are worthy actions, behaviors, milestones, and items. Pursuing self-worth became an outcomes based task, if you can prove it, if you succeeded at it, then you are worthy, otherwise, you are not worthy and your self-esteem plummets. Society defines worthiness and we have all bought into it. Your measuring stick of self-esteem is yours and societies idea and definition of who is worthy, what makes one worthy, and what we should consider valuable. With this understanding of self-esteem, we become hyper focused with only one area of improvement. We invest all our self-worth in specific domains such as being a good mother, being financially stable, or having the job of our dreams.

Proving that we are worthy comes with a high price. Since worthiness is prescribed by the culture you live in, you are always dependent on others to notice and validate that you are doing well. Relying on others for validation and recognition creates a cycle of fear and anxiety. You become anxious about the other person’s opinion and you become fearful that they will reject you. Rejection means, you are not worthy! And your self-esteem is crushed.

There are three things in life that satisfy us; competency, relatedness, and autonomy or what Freud said the ability to work, love, and play. Competency is our ability to work toward and master a task; relatedness is our ability to love and maintain relationships; autonomy is our ability to play and take risks. The pursuit of self-esteem interferes with these three life satisfying goals.

Competency is our ability not only to learn a new task, but to learn from our past experiences. Self-esteem steals this opportunity from you because you are focused on the end goal and not on the process. Learning from your process allows you to recognize specific failures so that you can recreate your journey by implementing changes to improve the process. Competency is not only about completing the task, it is about mastering the task in the most efficient, productive, and satisfying way.

Self-esteem interferes with our autonomy. Since self-esteem is contingent on societies rules and what society says is acceptable, you are stuck between embracing what you desire or satisfying others so that you can say you are worthy, by their standards (do you get this nonsense?). Essentially, self-esteem is confining and rigid, stifling your ability to play and take risks. For example, failure by society standards is terrible, only unworthy people fail. Therefore, you never try something new because you are afraid you will fail, if you fail then you are unworthy, and once again your self-esteem is hit. The cycle continues, you avoid risks because you do not want to ruffle the feathers of your delicate self-esteem.
 
Finally, self-esteem hinders our capacity to love and experience relationships. We get lost in the goal of being in a committed relationship (society says: “you should have a boyfriend, you should have tons of friends.”) that we lose sight of living in the moment, allowing the ups-and-downs of relationships impact us. We become so preoccupied with our self that we completely overlook the experiences of other people in our life. When people challenge us in relationships we fail to appraise ourselves accurately because we are too busy protecting our self-esteem. We jump for a quick fix instead of introspecting and reflecting.

Self-esteem cannot be the ultimate goal. Self-esteem will happen as a result of pursuing competency, relatedness, and autonomy. Use your internal voice to validate and motivate yourself. Let’s do away with self-esteem and focus on life-satisfaction, because you do not need to prove to yourself that you are worthy, “you are worthy just because.”

People who are Smarter than you
Being around people who are smarter or more intellectual than you can expand your own intelligence. Having intellectual conversations heightens your intellect. We become smarter by challenging our thinking and stretching beyond the basics. Having smart people around you will force you to keep up with them. If you want to be smarter, hang around the smart folks.
 
People who are Positive
People with positive energy infuse positivity into others. Choose to be around the people who will encourage your goals and passions. Positive people are the ones who believe in their own success and are able to support those around them to achieve and succeed. Positive people are always looking ahead instead of wallowing in the past, encouraging others to do the same.
 
People who are Confident
Confident people are able to foster confidence in others. People who are confident are not afraid of your success, your confidence, and your healthy self-esteem. Bud Blinach writes the following about confident people, “They are not threatened by you or your success. They realize that self-esteem is not a fixed pie. There is an unlimited amount of it to go around, so positive people are always giving it away.”  Confident people are there for you when you doubt yourself by boosting you up when needed.
 
People who are Active and Living Healthy
You are more likely to be overweight if your friends are overweight. Obesity is contagious. People who are not active and are not conscious about their eating habits and are more likely to plan social gatherings that involve way too much nachos, cheese, fried foods, and watching TV. People who are active and aspire toward healthy leaving will plan social gatherings that suit their healthy lifestyle. Dragging you along for the ride. Oops, I mean run. It is easier to make healthy choices when everyone around you is doing the same.
 
NOT like-minded People
Surrounding yourself with like-minded people is important, but there are risks to only being with like-minded people. Sprinkling in some friends who have different opinions than your own will give you the perfect mix. Having people around you with differing opinions will force you to defend your position, consider different options, challenge your thinking, and it will make life more exciting.
 
People who say Thank You
Are there people in your life that take your ideas or advice and never give you the credit? It’s time to cut them loose. Leeches are everywhere. These are the people who are always copying everyone around them but never give credit where credit is due. Surround yourself with people who respect and admire your ideas/advice and they are capable of thanking you when they implement changes in their life that were inspired by you.
 
Take inventory. Who are the people in your life who add something constructive, and who are the people who subtract from your life? Choose to stick around the people who will make you a better person, encourage your growth, and will push you past your limits.

​Couples avoid couples therapy because they are tired of hearing what their partner thinks they are doing wrong. Most fights between couples are based on “you always do that and you never do this” kind of phrases. Lots of finger pointing and change never happens. Couples meet each other at a standoff. Each one refusing to move and insisting they are waiting for the other to make the move.
 
Why is it that we forget about our own personal growth, interests, motivations, and are only able to see how our partner is getting in our way? What happened to the fierce, independent, conquer the world, person you once were? Many people in relationships place all responsibility on the other and they fail to give themselves credit for what they are capable of, both the good and the bad.
 
Finger pointing not only causes fights, it causes your self-esteem to plummet. You once believed in your capabilities but since you started your relationship you relinquished it all to your partner. Now, you insist that the only way you can be successful is if your partner is on board. Challenge yourself. Can you move forward with your career goals, personal goals, becoming the person you want to be, regardless of where your partner is at?  Homaira Kabir, a positive psychology life coach, speaks about the importance of learning your own inner world in her article Why Should I Make The Effort.
 
Investing time in a standoff is a lose-lose. If no one makes a move the relationship will continue to suffer. If the relationship ends, you have wasted a lot of time becoming someone you do not like, now you need to work to undo the mess. Additionally, you wasted time where you could’ve been pursuing your own goals, now that the relationship has ended you are still in the same spot that you where when the relationship began. 
 
Couples therapy does not have to be about continued finger pointing, you can do that at home (and its free). Couples therapy should be focused on developing personal responsibility and taking back your individual powers. Continuing to invest in yourself will help you achieve your own goals, thereby enhancing your self-esteem, which will hopefully trigger a change in the standoff you’ve been having with your partner for so many months. 

Originally published by Jewishnews.com http://jewishnews.com/2016/06/21/watch-the-tower-fall-our-acts-of-self-sabotage/
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Jackie is building a tower with blocks. I watch how she slowly places each block creating a taller and taller tower. Her breath is shallow as she placesthe last few blocks. She inhales before placing the last block. Then something happens. She lifts her arm, swings it back and over the tower, smirking as she watches the blocks tumble to the ground. She then announces “Ah! Just how I wanted it.”

She built the tower just so she can throw it down? Or was she afraid that the last block would cause the tower to fall and she decided to cut to the chase? In psychology the term for this behavior is self-sabotage. Self-sabotage is when we subconsciously destroy something we truly wanted.

We self-sabotage more often than we care to admit or recognize in ourselves. We self-sabotage and immediately follow up with the phrase “that is how I wanted it.” Did you? Relationships are the most common area in our life where we self-sabotage. Friendships, love relationships, marriages, work relationships, and parent/child relationships. You can self-sabotage you fitness goal, a career move, an important exam or meeting, practically any goal you set for yourself can be destroyed by you.

Why do we do it?
Self-sabotage occurs when we are afraid we will fail at our goal. In order to protect ourselves from the feeling of failure we destroy the goal on our own. Thus we can say, “That is how I wanted it”, and we effectively avoid the uncomfortable feeling of failure. Other reasons for self-sabotage are related to internal messages we say to ourselves; the need to control the ending, the need for familiarity, and the belief that one is not deserving of good things.

 “I need to control the ending”
All relationships have moments where we feel shaky and suspect the relationship might end. Some will buckle down and begin to put in the effort to make the relationship work. Others will begin to create chaos in the relationship causing the relationship to end. For example, they will begin to magnify all the flaws of their partner and decide there are too many flaws for them to stick around. Or, they will push their partner out of the relationship by being nasty, rejecting, isolating, cheating, or being difficult. Either way, the relationship ends by virtue of their actions. The dissolution of the relationship does not come as a shock because they took control and ended the relationship.

“I need to stay safe”
As psychological beings we feel safer with what is familiar to us. Even if the familiar scenes or feelings are unhealthy, we prefer the known to the unknown. If things are predictable and follow the same patterns then we know how to deal with it. When things change, even if it is for the better, we feel uneasy and confused. When a person has a history of parental emotional neglect, isolation, or people leaving from their life by divorce, death, travels; they internalize a theme that everyone in their life will eventually leave them. Since they are familiar with the feelings of being left behind they continually recreate the scene. When their relationship is moving toward connection, attachment, or commitment they panic, those are not feelings they are familiar with. After all, “everyone leaves me”. The uneasiness of the new experience causes them to destroy the relationship, forcing the other to leave them. Subconsciously the reaction to the broken relationship is; “Ah! This feels just right.”

Humans are relational creatures. We seek out and yearn for attachment. Yet, if there is a history of failed attachment during childhood, we create an ambivalent attachment map. The feelings of attachment and intimacy are pacifying yet scary. Being attached means loss. As soon as the person senses or perceives a threat of rejection he or she jumps into safety mode. In order to protect the self from the rejection, the person will preemptively leave the relationship. In a situation where most would work through the pain of rejection (or rejection never happens), they run before the rejection can occur.

Another self-sabotaging defense mechanism used to fend off rejection is being attracted to unreliable and unavailable partners. An unavailable partner can be someone who is preoccupied with his or her career, is married, or is emotionally unavailable. These types of attached-unattached relationships are a perfect fit for those who fear rejection. They get to experience superficial attachment but do not have to fear rejection because they never truly attached to the other in the first place. You cannot be rejected, if you do not attach.

“I am unworthy of the good things in life”
During our development we create a perfect imaginary image of what we should look like. I call it imaginary because this image never comes to fruition and the faster we recognize perfection is imaginary, the faster we can begin to move toward a realistic self. We judge our worthiness according to this illusory image and if we do not fit the mold we believe we are not worthy of good things in our life. The subconscious feeling of unworthiness causes us to hold good things at bay.  The feeling of unworthiness can cause constant fretting. Even if good things do happen, it will be taken away. Once again this perpetuates a cycle of avoiding success because even if success is achieved it will be short lived, so why bother at all?

You’ve been studying for many weeks for an important exam. You are confident that you will ace the exam. The night before the exam you go out drinking, you get drunk, you cannot focus on the test the next day, and you do poorly. You rationalize that you did poorly because of your drinking expedition the night prior. But, why did you go out drinking? You knew you had an exam the next day. Because, you knew (feared) you were going to do well and this will open doors for your success. You got scared, “Oh no, I do not deserve success, I am unworthy of good things in life.”

How can we change our self-sabotaging patterns?
The first step to change is to recognize our patterns. Reflect back to relationships in your past. How did the relationship end? Why did the relationship end? Who left the relationship? Are you finding a common pattern? Reflect on your life goals. What are the goals you have set for yourself and did not achieve? What got in the way of your success? Were there obstacles that you put in the way of yourself? Did you give up on your goal at the last minute?

Once you have recognized your patterns in past experiences, you can begin to identify the current behaviors you continue to do. For example, in the past, whenever you got close to getting a promotion at work you did something that caused your boss to rethink the promotion, such as missing an important deadline. The next time you are up for a promotion, become your own detective. Watch all your actions carefully. Remind yourself that these are the moments where you self-sabotage.

Knowing how to self-sooth will help you curb you self-sabotaging behaviors. As mentioned above, we sabotage ourselves because of our fear of failure and fear of rejection. If you are able to sooth your fears you are less likely to run from the possible experience of failure. A good self-soothing technique is having a short motto that you say to yourself, such as, “failure is a part of growth” or “I have the skills to overcome my failures.”

You can also self-sooth by making a connection between a past experience and your current experience. This would require the ability to introspect and identify the emotion or the internal message you are saying to yourself. Once you identify the internal message, such as “I am unworthy”, or the emotion of fear, helplessness or others, you can recognize that your message/emotion is related to a past experience or early childhood. You are simply replaying something from the past that is not necessarily current. Today does not have to end the same way as yesterday.

If your self-sabotage is because of your fear of rejection, seek out rejection. This seems counterintuitive. If one fears rejection, why would they go out and look for it? This experience would be similar to an experiment or exposure therapy. You are going to expose yourself to the stimulus you fear most. The goal is to share something about yourself or do a behavior that you believe can or will cause rejection. Begin with relationships of lesser value, perhaps a colleague before your spouse. For example, your colleague talks loudly on the phone disrupting your concentration at work. You never asked her to change because you fear that if you tell her she will dislike you. Experiment with approaching her. Then, see if the relationship takes a drastic dive. When the relationship does not fall apart and she does not reject you, do a little dance and recognize that rejection does not ALWAYS happen. If she does reject you, do a little dance as well and recognize that the feeling of rejection is not as scary as you thought. You can now up the ante on your experiment and disclose something you have been holding back from your spouse, a close friend, or parent. Follow the same steps as above and keep on dancing. Bonus points: sharing personal flaws or concerns with your partner enhances intimacy.

The next time you raise your hand to swing over your tower, ask yourself; “Is this really how I want it? Living a life where you are always obstructing your path to success is hard work. Therefor, self-sabotaging is a bad habit worthy of breaking.

The term courtship is defined by the Webster dictionary as; “a period during which a couple develop a romantic relationship, especially with a view to marriage.” How does developing the romantic relationship work? What does having a view toward marriage look like? How long is this period? What does the relationship look like? What behavior does this period include? None of us ever sat down to a “here’s what courtship is” kind of talk. While some can navigate the courting scene seamlessly, others find themselves stuck in a rut. Patrick Carnes, in his book Facing the Shadows, outlines the stages of courtship. Knowing each phase can help you identify where you are getting stuck, or which step you are overlooking, causing courting to go awry.
 
Noticing – This is the conscious ability to recognize traits that you find attractive yet at the same time recognizing traits that may not be good for you. “Noticing also means discriminating (Carnes, 2010).”
 
Attraction – Permitting yourself to feel interested in the other person and being capable of imagining yourself acting on your desires. There is a desire and interest to learn more about the emotional, physical, and intellectual traits of the other person. Attraction is what keeps an existing relationship alive, by remaining open to the unknown, change, and learning new things about your partner.
 
Flirting – Everyone should have some flirting skills, even animals in the wild flirt. Bowerbirds in Australia build nests and decorate the nests for potential mates. The purpose of flirting is to send a signal to the potential partner that you are interested and attracted to them. Flirting includes playful, seductive, and charming behavioral social cues. Flirting also requires recognition of when it is appropriate to flirt. 
 
Demonstration – In Bonobo mating we call this phase; “presenting”. The female Bonobo will present her swollen genitals to the males in the group, signaling her interest in mating. Demonstrating is showing the potential partner your prowess at a specific skill, physical trait, capability, or sexual act with the intention of attracting the other person to you. Obviously, demonstration must be done appropriately and only after interest was shown by the other person.
 
Romance – Notice how many steps come before romance. The definition (see above) of courtship seems to go directly to the romance phase. Romance is the “ability to experience, express, and receive passion (Carnes, 2010).” Receiving passion from another requires a sense of self-worth and recognition that you are worthy of another persons love. Romance also requires being in reality and recognizing when romance is shared or only a projection or imagination. 
 
Individuation – Individuation is the opposite of enmeshment. Enmeshment is when a person does not have his or her own identity in the relationship. When people are in love it is easy to forgo ones own desires, interests, and goals, causing them to lose their own identity. Being an individual in the relationship constitutes the ability to be able to ask for your needs without the fear of being rejected or going elsewhere for your needs. Individuation is a sense of freedom to be who you are and confident that your partner will not intimidate or force you to change.
 
Intimacy – The key components for intimacy are attachment and the ability to be vulnerable. In order for an intimate relationship to develop you need to be willing to attach to another and allow the other to attach to you. Attachment requires the willingness to be vulnerable and open with your partner. Intimacy is:  “Being known fully and staying anyway (Carnes, 2010).” Intimacy is a risk. If you fear that your partner will reject you, you will create barriers so that they never fully see you.
 
Touching – There are different types of touch in romantic relationships; Intimate touch, sensual touch, and erotic touch. Couples can incorporate all levels of touch during the relationship or at different stages in the relationship. For touch to feel safe there must be respect of each other’s bodies and respect of each other’s boundaries. Each partner should feel confident to say no to touch that they do not feel comfortable with. If you cannot say “no” then you cannot say “yes”.
 
Foreplay – Foreplay is a very important aspect of courting and should not be skipped. Foreplay allows partners to express their deep sexual passion toward each other. Foreplay is a sharing of pleasure and the goal does not have to be intercourse. Sometimes, foreplay is the goal itself.
 
Intercourse –  “More than the exchange of body fluids, this is the ability to surrender oneself to passion (Carnes, 2010).” In order to be able to surrender oneself to another, there has to be trust between partners. Intercourse is a form of giving up control; where you allow your partner to see your vulnerabilities. Intercourse has no rules, abandon ideas of how it “should” be.
 
Commitment – Commitment is the phase in which partners commit to each other by bonding and attachment. When a relationship does not have feelings of attachment partners will look elsewhere for attachment. This can lead one to seek out “trusting attachments” such as, alcohol, drugs, sex, and risk-taking behaviors.
 
Renewal – Courting never ends. Renewal is continuing courtship even in a committed long-term relationship or marriage. Continuing to flirt and attract your partner. Continuing to show interest and care for each other.
 
When we encounter relationship dysfunctions or struggles while dating it is indicative of a hiccup in one of these stages. Notice how marriage is not included on the list. Courtship does not have to include marriage or a vision toward marriage. Courtship requires a willingness to be open and vulnerable so you can create a trusting bond with one another.
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​Admitting to extramarital sex is taboo. Admitting that sex outside your marriage is better, uho! even more of a no, no! The fact is sex outside the marriage is more exciting and alluring. Affairs teach us that erotic sex thrives on the illicit, newness, risky, out of the ordinary. These are characteristics that are hard to cultivate in a long-term relationship but guaranteed in an affair. What lessons can we learn from extramarital sex? How can we have the best sex and a committed relationship? Read more about infidelity in the article “When The Best Sex is Extramarital” by Dr. Lawrence Josephs.  

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​Sara Schapiro-Halberstam, MHC-LP, CASAC is a psychotherapist in New York City where she practices individual therapy, couples counseling, and sex counseling. You can contact Sara at sara@mwr.nyc