MODERN WELLNESS & RESTORATION
  • Home
  • Our Psychotherapy Services
  • Blog
  • Contact
    • Sara
    • Nikita
    • Simran
  • ADHD Coaching
    • Neuropsychological Testing
Affordable Psychotherapy and Sex Therapy in NYC
(347) 903-WELL

Confidence! Confidence! Confidence! 

6/20/2016

0 Comments

 
confidence-relationship-relationship counseling
Originally posted by Jewishnews.com

Distance and space are essential for creating sexual and erotic tension. Just as a burning fire needs space to burn, so do our emotions and feelings. One of the key generators of attraction is emotional space: the understanding of where you begin and end, and where the other begins and ends.

Emotional space is often created by physical distance. For example, when your lover travels abroad or is away for a business conference. The physical distance leads to feelings of longing and desire. Emotional space can also be created by emotional distancing, such as a fight. Arguments and fights between lovers distance them from each other and thus create emotional space. It is this temporary emotional detachment that results in makeup sex being so arousing and sexually stimulating.

What is it about space that fires eroticism? It’s the human nature to desire what we can’t have or what’s further than an arms distance. At the age of 5 it is the red lollypop that was taken away from us, at the age of 12 it is the computer game our parents won’t let us play, and at 16 it’s the boyfriend our friend has. From there on, throughout our adult life, we are attracted mostly to what appears out of our reach.

Creating emotional space doesn’t require physical distance or an uncomfortable fight. Emotional space can be created by self-confidence. In fact, confidence is the most effective and powerful tool in generating such space. When looking for a partner, people have different preferences and often find certain physical and personal features attractive. However, one specific feature that often tips us head over heels is a person’s confidence and assurance in their own abilities. Yes, there are a few exceptions: some people are attracted to a damsel-in-distress. However, can such attraction last? What happens when the other is no longer in distress, does the attraction fade?

Confidence creates distance because it sends the message: “I’m fine, I can function without you.”  For example, suppose you accompany your partner to her office’s holiday party. You observe her as she engages with her colleagues and boss. You see her in a different environment, playing a different role, and all of a sudden you find yourself more attracted to her then you’ve been in weeks. You might attribute it to her new party dress or perfect makeup, but it isn’t so. The “you-can’t-have” bells are beginning to ring. In this case it isn’t necessarily what you can’t have but rather about what you are not guaranteed. You realize that she has her own identity and that she is not dependent on you. You realize that she has a life outside your relationship, a corner of her own.

To make it clear, I am not referring to a snotty, arrogant, and stuck up behavior, but rather what I am describing is a genuine self-confidence and assurance. Indeed, life with a partner can enhance our experiences and our sense of who we are as people. However, having an identity outside the relationship is important. Confidence within a relationship is being comfortable and happy with who you are independently of whether you are in a relationship or not. To clarify once again, I’m not advocating for fear and paranoia that our partner might actually leave us. Living in such fear has the effect of pouring water on fire. Rather, we simply need to become aware of the emotional distance between ourselves and our partner. It is in this space that eroticism can flourish.
​
The next time you dress up – while you’re putting on heels or a fancy tie -remember that attraction is strongly dependent on your confidence and not necessarily on the way the tie brings out the color of your eyes.


Sara Schapiro-Halberstam, MHC-LP, CASAC is a psychotherapist in New York City where she practices individual therapy, couples counseling, and sex counseling. You can contact Sara at sara@mwr.nyc and read more blog posts at www.mwr.nyc
Follow me on Instagram @sexfacts4dummies
Follow me on Twitter @flashtherapy15


0 Comments

Your comment will be posted after it is approved.


Leave a Reply.

    Authors


    Sara S. Schapiro LMHC, PhD
    Providing affordable psychotherapy and individual therapy in NYC. Bringing awareness to mental health related issues and advocating for liberal and liberating sex values.

    Nikita Fernandes, M.A., MHC-LP
    Providing affordable couples and individual therapy in NYC. Integrating culturally sensitive, poly & kink-friendly, and gender-affirming therapy while partaking in advocacy work in the therapy room.

    Simran Bharadwaj, M.A., MHC-LP
    Providing affordable couples and individual therapy in NYC. Bringing awareness to minority mental health issues and culturally competent approaches to therapy.

    ​Shira Keller-Ohana, LMHC
    Providing affordable psychotherapy and couples and family therapy in NYC. Taking an integrative positive approach toward mental health and therapy.

      Sign up 

    Subscribe to Newsletter

    Archives

    February 2023
    January 2023
    December 2022
    November 2022
    October 2022
    September 2022
    August 2022
    July 2022
    June 2022
    August 2019
    June 2019
    November 2018
    October 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    March 2018
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    January 2016

    Categories

    All
    Adhd
    BIPOC
    Com
    Compassion
    Couples
    Culture
    Emotions
    Empowerment
    Exploration
    Health
    Healthy Choices
    Human
    Humanism
    Imago
    Jealousy
    Meditation
    Mental Health
    Minority
    Neurodivergent
    Orgasm
    Positive Psychology
    Psychology
    Queer
    Relational
    Relationship Counseling
    Security
    Self Help
    Self Love
    Self-love
    Sex
    Sex Education
    Sex Therapy
    Sex Therapy In Nyc
    Strenghts
    Therapy
    Therapy In Nyc
    Vulva
    Well Being
    Women

    RSS Feed

Proudly powered by Weebly
Photos used under Creative Commons from Frits Ahlefeldt, Hiking.org, wuestenigel, GIALIAT, mikecogh, nudelbach, chripell, spinster, donnierayjones, Free Grunge Textures - www.freestock.ca, Bestpicko, Simeon Berg, torbakhopper, strudelt, Speaker resources, Salvation Army USA West, HockeyholicAZ, CodeHooligans, crowdyke, PersonalCreations.com, cogdogblog, labuero, torbakhopper
  • Home
  • Our Psychotherapy Services
  • Blog
  • Contact
    • Sara
    • Nikita
    • Simran
  • ADHD Coaching
    • Neuropsychological Testing