Feature by Simran Bharadwaj

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Feature by Simran Bharadwaj

Image by Freepik

Simran Bharadwaj is a pre-professional licensed mental health therapist in New York City. You can contact Simran at simran@mwr.nyc and read more blog posts at www.mwr.nyc.

Feature by Nikita Fernandes

Via Pixabay

Narrative Therapy has emerged as one of the most powerful types of therapy to support minority communities. It has gained popularity in 2022 along with the rise of movements such as the Black Lives Matter and the focus on mental health after the pandemic. Narrative therapy is relatively new. It was developed in the 1980's by Michael White, an Australian social worker, and David Epston, a family therapist from New Zealand. It gained traction in the United States in the 1990's.

Narrative therapy is a nonpathologizing, empowering and collaborative experience for clients who hold minority identities. The empowering nature of this therapy can be experienced through nudging clients to reframe their past experiences, gain control over their present and shape a better future. Narrative therapy uses prompts to have client reflect over the stories they tell themselves about their life. For example, a therapist might ask a client to write about their past struggles and highlight what helped keep them afloat. This strengths based approach can help remind clients that they are much more resilient than they believe.

“Do you go to the gym because you hate your body? Or do you go to the gym because you love your body?” Lisa, a registered dietitian and the founder of The Well Necessities, recently asked this question; I was intrigued. On the surface, as long as I am going to the gym, who cares why I go to the gym. But, emotionally and psychologically the answer to this question changes my experience and my relationship with fitness and healthy living. I can head to the gym with excitement, passion, and joy, or feel like I am being pushed or dragged toward the gym door.

This question applies to many areas of our life, particularly in romantic relationships. We need to ask ourselves; why do we do what we do? Is it to avoid a consequence? Or are we driven by self-love?  

We spend much of our life making decisions based on avoiding consequences. Can you stop and ask yourself “Why do I (fill in the blank)?”
 
Do you buy flowers because you love your wife/husband and the two of you as a couple?
Do you buy flowers because you know she/he will be upset?
 
Are you going to therapy to heal from your sexual transgressions because your relationship is important to you?
Are you going to therapy to heal from a sexual transgression because you can’t stand the guilt you’re living with?
 
Are you spending time with your kids because you cherish them?
Are you spending time with your kids because you do not want to be a bad father/mother?
 
The behavioral outcomes (i.e. you bought flowers) are the same, yet the emotional experience is vastly different. If we make decisions and do things because we are avoiding consequences, we never truly connect to the emotional benefits of our actions. Making a choice out of willingness - rather than avoidance - allows us to be immersed in the experience. Most importantly, the choice will feel natural and effortless. 

​I used to wonder what makes one individual more resilient than another when faced with a painful situation or struggle. Linehan M. speaks on the concept of radical acceptance and its usefulness in painful situations. When one is faced with a painful or challenging situation, there are several ways in which he or she can perform: they can solve the problem, change how they feel about it, accept it, or stay miserable. However, Linehan talks about total and complete acceptance – radical acceptance – as a way to manage life’s challenges. When one accepts his or her situation, it doesn’t necessarily mean the person is glad about it. In actuality, radical acceptance may bring about sadness; but this is accompanied by an added feeling of centeredness. On the other hand, when we don’t radically accept our situation, the sadness may not be present. Instead, a deep sense of unbearable pain may take its place. 

There are times when reality is painful and, as a result, we try to push away the associated emotions and or fight against it through unhealthy coping mechanisms. Although this form of coping tends to bring about a temporary relief, in the long run, it intensifies the unwanted feelings. This happens when we bury the underlining emotions or situations and instead resort to obtaining temporary relief through unhealthy coping mechanisms. When one incorporates radical acceptance into their daily life, they are committing to accepting their reality as it is, and understanding what they can and cannot control. Furthermore, part of radical acceptance is being nonjudgmental and looking at just the facts of the situation, in addition to letting go and not fighting against the reality of the situation. While Many of us find it difficult to be present when dealing with uncomfortable and painful moments or emotions, that is all part of radical acceptance through which we can achieve a meaningful life.

​Taking a step towards self-betterment, and achieving a sense of centeredness happens when one completely and totally accept their reality, even if they think the reality is unbearable. Through psychotherapy, therapists and clients work together to bring about a radical acceptance of the past and present, in order to accomplish a more centered sense of self in any given situation.




Reference
Linehan, M. Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy of Borderline Personality Disorder. New York: The Guilford Press, 1993. ​

​An affair is revealed. Either the partner who transgressed confesses or he/she got caught. The couple goes into a tailspin as they attempt to make sense of the betrayal and hopefully to begin to heal. Much on the topic of infidelity is focused on the couple and how they can rebuild trust. Rarely, does the literature focus on the children who are caught in the crossfire.
 
Research findings indicate that children who have experienced a parental affair are more likely to lack trust in their future romantic relationships. Additionally, researchers have found that 52% of children who know about their father’s affair are more likely to have an affair during their adult romantic relationships. Children often experience feelings of guilt, resentment, fear of neglect, and self-blame when learning about a parents affair. These negative emotions interfere with the ability to develop a strong emotional base.
 
How children are told about the affair can help mitigate the negative repercussions. Children should not be given too many details about the affair. Burdening children with the details robs them from their innocence. Parents should avoid triangulating a child by leaning on the child for support, thereby forcing the child to choose a side. Often, the betrayed partner feels lonely and leans on their child for empathy.  In psychology this is termed, parentification. Meaning, the child is pushed into the role of a parent. Again, this forces a child to lose out on the childhood years, which should be free of worry.
 
Parents sometimes assume that the affair is between the adults in the home and it will not impact the children. At times, it is not so. If a parent suspects that a child might have overheard a conversation about the affair, they should seek out a therapist who can guide them on how to discuss the affair with their child/children.

People who are Smarter than you
Being around people who are smarter or more intellectual than you can expand your own intelligence. Having intellectual conversations heightens your intellect. We become smarter by challenging our thinking and stretching beyond the basics. Having smart people around you will force you to keep up with them. If you want to be smarter, hang around the smart folks.
 
People who are Positive
People with positive energy infuse positivity into others. Choose to be around the people who will encourage your goals and passions. Positive people are the ones who believe in their own success and are able to support those around them to achieve and succeed. Positive people are always looking ahead instead of wallowing in the past, encouraging others to do the same.
 
People who are Confident
Confident people are able to foster confidence in others. People who are confident are not afraid of your success, your confidence, and your healthy self-esteem. Bud Blinach writes the following about confident people, “They are not threatened by you or your success. They realize that self-esteem is not a fixed pie. There is an unlimited amount of it to go around, so positive people are always giving it away.”  Confident people are there for you when you doubt yourself by boosting you up when needed.
 
People who are Active and Living Healthy
You are more likely to be overweight if your friends are overweight. Obesity is contagious. People who are not active and are not conscious about their eating habits and are more likely to plan social gatherings that involve way too much nachos, cheese, fried foods, and watching TV. People who are active and aspire toward healthy leaving will plan social gatherings that suit their healthy lifestyle. Dragging you along for the ride. Oops, I mean run. It is easier to make healthy choices when everyone around you is doing the same.
 
NOT like-minded People
Surrounding yourself with like-minded people is important, but there are risks to only being with like-minded people. Sprinkling in some friends who have different opinions than your own will give you the perfect mix. Having people around you with differing opinions will force you to defend your position, consider different options, challenge your thinking, and it will make life more exciting.
 
People who say Thank You
Are there people in your life that take your ideas or advice and never give you the credit? It’s time to cut them loose. Leeches are everywhere. These are the people who are always copying everyone around them but never give credit where credit is due. Surround yourself with people who respect and admire your ideas/advice and they are capable of thanking you when they implement changes in their life that were inspired by you.
 
Take inventory. Who are the people in your life who add something constructive, and who are the people who subtract from your life? Choose to stick around the people who will make you a better person, encourage your growth, and will push you past your limits.

Originally Published by Jewishnews.com
​http://jewishnews.com/2016/01/25/happy-dieting/

Oy vey! The diet talks again? Are you that person who has tried various different diets and tried everyone’s suggestions of the “best” way to lose weight – to no avail? No worries, this article isn’t another run down about which super-foods to eat and which junk foods to avoid. The goal of this article is to make you aware of how your negative self-talk is getting in your way of happy, confident, and successful dieting.

While we attempt to diet, avoid unhealthy foods, and make healthy choices our negative self-talk gets louder and louder. Albert Ellis calls this negative self-talk irrational beliefs and cognitive distortions. Our cognitive distortions leave us feeling deflated, frustrated, and upset. Of course we hate dieting. Not only do we need to avoid the foods we enjoy, we berate ourselves every step of the way. Thereby, we deflate our self-confidence and happiness while on our journey of weight loss. Learning about some of the cognitive distortions can help you hone in on what is getting in the way of your happy dieting and perhaps you can then experiment with some of the suggested interventions.
Overgeneralization:
You start your healthy eating or diet with the irrational belief that you failed so many times and there is absolutely no way you are going to succeed this time. The cognitive distortion of overgeneralization will very often stop you from even trying. Is telling yourself that you are guaranteed to fail helping you? Is it helping you reach your weight loss goal? How about rethinking this to something along the lines of; “I may have failed many times at dieting, but I do not have proof that I will fail this time. What I do know is that if I do not try I am most definitely not going to achieve the goal!”
Fortune telling:
Fortune telling is when we state that something is going to happen with out having proof that it will happen. Deciding that you are going to fail at your diet won’t get you very far. Telling yourself that you know yourself and you are for sure going to eat cake at the party, robs you from the opportunity of taking control over your choices. Just like the distortion of overgeneralizing, you want to ask yourself; “Am I gaining anything by convincing myself that I know for sure that I am going to fail at this diet?” It is important to think about our past experiences but that does not mean that we need to keep replaying the same ending of the story.
Mental Filter:
We all do the mental filter distortion from time to time. This is when we only focus on one aspect of an entire event. Let’s get real, while dieting you are guaranteed to cheat or slip-up. Only focusing on your cheat is going to create an attitude of “if I cheated I may as well go all out.” Stop and think about all the good foods you ate and do not trample on your goals because of one cheat.
All-or-nothing:
If you cannot do it perfectly you won’t do it at all. Unfortunately for you, we are fallible human beings who make mistakes and do not always follow the rules. Expecting your diet and healthy-eating to be perfect, is irrational. Allow yourself to make mistakes. Telling yourself that you can either diet perfectly or not at all gets in your way of achieving your goal.
Magnification or Minimization:
You blow your cheating out of proportion by insisting that one bad food item will completely ruin your possibility of losing weight and visa versa, you minimize your bad choices by saying, “one cookie is not big deal.” The key here is to find the balance between staying on-course, forgiving yourself when you slip-up, and continuing to pursue ahead towards your weight loss goal.
Emotional reasoning:
Are you the person who says, “I feel like a failure therefore I am a failure?” Emotional reasoning is when we use our emotions as the truth. Just because we feel a specific emotion, does not mean we are that emotion. When you are feeling bad about yourself does it mean that you are a bad person? Feeling helpless does not mean that you are helpless. Try to make a list that you can use as proof that you are not helpless in the world of making healthy choices. Your list can include all the healthy food choices you did make in the past week, all the unhealthy foods you have avoided, or your total exercise hours. If you have nothing to put on your list, then maybe you are not on a diet at all and it is time to go back to the drawing board.
Should Statements:
Should statement are everywhere! They rule our lives. Much of what we do is grounded in “I am doing this because I should.” You want to be aware of your should statements in both negative and positive aspects. For example, “I should diet” appears to be an attempt to push you toward a positive behavior and “dieting should be easy” appears to be an attempt to push you toward a negative behavior. Yet, in both cases the “should” is an irrational belief. Rethink it by asking yourself; “Do I have to diet? Well, no I do not have to – but I would like/prefer to.” Changing your should statements to preferential statements will give you a sense of agency. Now, you are dieting by choice and not by force. In other areas that the should statement creeps up is while you are dieting. “This should be easy, this should take faster, I should not have to work this hard.” Do these statements sound familiar? Try to challenge your should statements with questions such as; “Whoever said a diet is easy?” or “Whoever said a diet will take fast. I would love if it took faster, or it was easier, but it does not have to be?”
Must statements:
Let’s preface this with a cliché: “You don’t must have it.” Must statements are dramatic. They convince us that we just cannot live without certain foods. Since must statements are full of drama, kill them right back with drama. “Will you die if you do not have this slice of pizza? Is it really that awful?”
Labeling:
Instead of saying “oops, I made a mistake by having ice cream” you tell yourself that you are failure, an idiot, a fool – because you cheated on your diet. The problem with labeling is that if you give yourself a label you need to act on it. What do overeaters do? They overeat. Labeling yourself causes you to behave according to the label. Calling yourself fat, overweight, an overeater, or any other negative label you attach to yourself, will simply reinforce the cycle that you are trying to avoid. Highlight the negative choice or behavior without labeling yourself, “I overate at this dinner, it does not mean I am an overeater.”
Blaming:
You blame other people for your poor eating habits. “I only eat white bread because my husband buys it. If he would not buy the white bread, I would not eat it.” Ask yourself if blaming others for you eating habits will get you to your goal. You get credit for noticing the source of your challenge but instead spend your time thinking of creative ways to circumvent the bad eating habits of the people in your life.
The next time you start a diet or are trying to move toward healthier eating habits be aware of your negative self-talk and get ready to challenge them!
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Sara Schapiro-Halberstam, M.S., CASAC is a psychotherapist in Midtown Wellness & Resilience where she practices individual therapy, couples counseling, and sex counseling. You can contact Sara at sara@mwr.nyc and read more of her articles on www.mwr.nyc