When marrying, for the majority of traditional couples, there is an implicit understanding that the relationship is exclusive between the two partners. Yet, Darrel Ray, Ed.D sites in his book, Sex & God: How Religion Distorts Sexuality, that 70% of couples indicate that they have cheated on their partner. Much research points to the idea that humans are not wired for monogamy. The commitment to monogamy is based on religious and social expectations (Ray, 2012). It is important to understand the motivation for cheating when one is in a committed relationship. Understanding the motivations can possibly help prevent cheating. It can also help the partner forgive the one who has transgressed. 1.Opportunity In the article, To Stay or Stray? the author calls this category of cheating, “crimes of opportunity.” Simply, an opportunity presented itself and the person took it. Perhaps he or she was traveling out of town, a partner was not home, or the office was empty and a hot co-worker came onto him or her. All these incidents are indicative of a last-minute fling. The person may have never thought of cheating before, an opportunity came about and they acted on it. 2.Emotional affair The other side of something as flippant as opportunity is the need for an emotional connection. Often, one partner might feel lonely or bored in the relationship. When an affair happens, it is to fill the void. Researchers have found while men indicate reasons for cheating are related to both sexual and emotional dissatisfaction, women more often indicate emotional dissatisfaction. This is not to say women only cheat for emotional dissatisfaction. As women are becoming more financially independent, their motivations for cheating are beginning to equal the motivations for cheating in men. 3.To act on a fetish or sexual fantasy Sexual interests don’t always line up. In fact, sexual interests do not have to line up. Each person should have the space to express his or her interest or disinterest in a particular sexual fetish or fantasy. The trouble begins when one cannot take a no for an answer. When a partner expressed disinterest in acting on the fetish, the other finds someone who will participate in his or her sexual fetish. There is always an option of permitting your partner to go out on their own and find a space to express their need (see When Someone You Love is Kinky by Dossie Easton). But, hiding from your partner that you are seeking your sexual fetish elsewhere and having sex outside of your relationship, is cheating. 4.Revenge Couples can seek revenge for many reasons. Having a relationship where taking revenge is the norm, is toxic and unhealthy. Revenge can either be because one partner cheated or was suspected of cheating. Yet, revenge can also be for reasons other than the partner’s sexual transgressions. Out of anger, spite, hurt, rejection, a person will have an affair to punish the action of his or her partner. 5.Curiosity / sexual boredom Sexual energy and the sexual libido between two people are often not a perfect match. Healthy couples are able to find a balance where both partners are satisfied. Struggling couples cannot seem to find the balance, causing one partner step outside of the relationship. An imbalance in sexual interest does not excuse the action. If you need something, say something. There are many ways couples can maneuver around this imbalance. Cheating does not have to be the answer. All of the above are not to justify cheating but to bring awareness to the triggers. If you see any of these red flags in your relationship talk it through with your partner. If speaking to your partner seems difficult, seek out a therapist who can help you find solutions to your concerns. Sara Schapiro-Halberstam, MHC-LP, CASAC is a psychotherapist in New York City where she practices individual therapy, couples counseling, and sex counseling. You can contact Sara at sara@mwr.nyc and read more blog posts at www.mwr.nyc
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The term courtship is defined by the Webster dictionary as; “a period during which a couple develop a romantic relationship, especially with a view to marriage.” How does developing the romantic relationship work? What does having a view toward marriage look like? How long is this period? What does the relationship look like? What behavior does this period include? None of us ever sat down to a “here’s what courtship is” kind of talk. While some can navigate the courting scene seamlessly, others find themselves stuck in a rut. Patrick Carnes, in his book Facing the Shadows, outlines the stages of courtship. Knowing each phase can help you identify where you are getting stuck, or which step you are overlooking, causing courting to go awry. Noticing – This is the conscious ability to recognize traits that you find attractive yet at the same time recognizing traits that may not be good for you. “Noticing also means discriminating (Carnes, 2010).” Attraction – Permitting yourself to feel interested in the other person and being capable of imagining yourself acting on your desires. There is a desire and interest to learn more about the emotional, physical, and intellectual traits of the other person. Attraction is what keeps an existing relationship alive, by remaining open to the unknown, change, and learning new things about your partner. Flirting – Everyone should have some flirting skills, even animals in the wild flirt. Bowerbirds in Australia build nests and decorate the nests for potential mates. The purpose of flirting is to send a signal to the potential partner that you are interested and attracted to them. Flirting includes playful, seductive, and charming behavioral social cues. Flirting also requires recognition of when it is appropriate to flirt. Demonstration – In Bonobo mating we call this phase; “presenting”. The female Bonobo will present her swollen genitals to the males in the group, signaling her interest in mating. Demonstrating is showing the potential partner your prowess at a specific skill, physical trait, capability, or sexual act with the intention of attracting the other person to you. Obviously, demonstration must be done appropriately and only after interest was shown by the other person. Romance – Notice how many steps come before romance. The definition (see above) of courtship seems to go directly to the romance phase. Romance is the “ability to experience, express, and receive passion (Carnes, 2010).” Receiving passion from another requires a sense of self-worth and recognition that you are worthy of another persons love. Romance also requires being in reality and recognizing when romance is shared or only a projection or imagination. Individuation – Individuation is the opposite of enmeshment. Enmeshment is when a person does not have his or her own identity in the relationship. When people are in love it is easy to forgo ones own desires, interests, and goals, causing them to lose their own identity. Being an individual in the relationship constitutes the ability to be able to ask for your needs without the fear of being rejected or going elsewhere for your needs. Individuation is a sense of freedom to be who you are and confident that your partner will not intimidate or force you to change. Intimacy – The key components for intimacy are attachment and the ability to be vulnerable. In order for an intimate relationship to develop you need to be willing to attach to another and allow the other to attach to you. Attachment requires the willingness to be vulnerable and open with your partner. Intimacy is: “Being known fully and staying anyway (Carnes, 2010).” Intimacy is a risk. If you fear that your partner will reject you, you will create barriers so that they never fully see you. Touching – There are different types of touch in romantic relationships; Intimate touch, sensual touch, and erotic touch. Couples can incorporate all levels of touch during the relationship or at different stages in the relationship. For touch to feel safe there must be respect of each other’s bodies and respect of each other’s boundaries. Each partner should feel confident to say no to touch that they do not feel comfortable with. If you cannot say “no” then you cannot say “yes”. Foreplay – Foreplay is a very important aspect of courting and should not be skipped. Foreplay allows partners to express their deep sexual passion toward each other. Foreplay is a sharing of pleasure and the goal does not have to be intercourse. Sometimes, foreplay is the goal itself. Intercourse – “More than the exchange of body fluids, this is the ability to surrender oneself to passion (Carnes, 2010).” In order to be able to surrender oneself to another, there has to be trust between partners. Intercourse is a form of giving up control; where you allow your partner to see your vulnerabilities. Intercourse has no rules, abandon ideas of how it “should” be. Commitment – Commitment is the phase in which partners commit to each other by bonding and attachment. When a relationship does not have feelings of attachment partners will look elsewhere for attachment. This can lead one to seek out “trusting attachments” such as, alcohol, drugs, sex, and risk-taking behaviors. Renewal – Courting never ends. Renewal is continuing courtship even in a committed long-term relationship or marriage. Continuing to flirt and attract your partner. Continuing to show interest and care for each other. When we encounter relationship dysfunctions or struggles while dating it is indicative of a hiccup in one of these stages. Notice how marriage is not included on the list. Courtship does not have to include marriage or a vision toward marriage. Courtship requires a willingness to be open and vulnerable so you can create a trusting bond with one another. Sara Schapiro-Halberstam, MHC-LP, CASAC is a psychotherapist in New York City where she practices individual therapy, couples counseling, and sex counseling. You can contact Sara at sara@mwr.nyc and read more blog posts at www.mwr.nyc
Follow me on Instagram @sexfacts4dummies Follow me on Twitter @flashtherapy15 The basic rule about sex is that as long as the act/action is Safe, Sane, and Consensual, enjoy it at your hearts content. How do we define sexual consent? Generally, consent is when two (or more) individuals agree on a specific sex act. The consent given is only for the particular encounter. If your partner consents to kissing, it does not mean that he or she consented to intercourse. Sometimes, consent is not a simple “yes you may.” You cannot say yes, if you cannot say no. If you do not feel comfortable saying no to sex or a specific sex act, your yes, is not a yes. Here are some questions to ponder: If a student has sex with her professor, is that consent? Or, if a 19 year- old girl has sex with her 50 year-old neighbor, is that consent? Can consent be given if the partners are not equal in their levels of sexual maturity? How about, if one partner is not emotionally stable? For example, you are aware that the boy you are pursuing recently had a trauma in his life. Or, the girl you are pursuing is struggling with an addiction or a mental illness. Are these individuals truly consenting? Most importantly, is it consent if one partner is intoxicated? Perhaps you are a little tipsy but your partner is surely drunk, is it okay to make out with him or her? Who is the one responsible in this situation? And then there is the encounter where consent is not explicitly spoken about. “But he or she did not say no!” If they did not say no, does it mean they said yes? These are complex questions that test our ethical boundaries. Always remember to watch for the other persons’ body language, facial expression, and listen to what they are saying. Rather err on the side of less sex, than err on the side of having non-consensual sex. What do you think? In the article 'Girls & Sex' And The Importance Of Talking To Young Women About Pleasure, Peggy Orenstein speaks about the importance of teaching girls about tuning into their own desires.Girls are socialized to give to their partners. The topic of receiving pleasure from their partner is sadly overlooked. Too often, girls share how they will give oral sex but they are never met with the same in return. Girls should know, that if they are always focused on the guy’s pleasure and never ask for pleasure in return, they are being used. I love the example Orenstein shares about a boyfriend who is always asking for a cup of water but never brings his girlfriend a drink. In this scenario we easily see the inequality. Why don’t we see the inequality when it comes to sexuality? Sex and sexual pleasure should include both giving and receiving. But, It should not be tit-for-tat (no pun intended). Both partners should be thinking about how they can give their partner pleasure and at the same time how they can ask for pleasure. Some partners find themselves in a double standard, where one partner is always asking explicitly for what he or she wants in bed and the other partner shy’s away from asking for what he or she wants. Your Partner cannot mind-read (wouldn’t it be nice if he/she did?) therefore, asking for what you want is essential for both of your sexual pleasures to be met. If you partner turns down all your requests for pleasure... then we have a different problem. I always enjoy reading articles where celebrities call for positive change and inspire positive behavior. I am particularly pleased when these messages begin to foster sex positive change. Though not a fan of her music, I am a fan of Nicki Minaj’s call for orgasm awareness. As a woman, you have the right for pleasure and never should you be too shy, too afraid, or too uncomfortable to ask for pleasure. If you trust your skill more than your partners, that’s cool to. Let it be a joint effort. But, hardly ever should you turn away, thinking, I wish I got more. Are you wondering if orgasm is even your thing. Besides for the aw-awesome feeling, there are many health benefits to orgasms. Orgasms can relieve headaches, relieve stress, relieve anxiety, enhance focus enhance concentration, and best of all weight loss. An orgasm can burn 75 calories or more. Good orgasms can lead to healthy babies. The intensity of an orgasm makes it difficult for sperm to swim up the fallopian tube. This causes a natural selection process where the weaker sperm loses the race to the stronger and healthier sperm cells. Speaking of orgasms, it would be unwise not to mention that very many women do not orgasm from vaginal sex. If you are one of the many who does not orgasm from vaginal sex with out clitoral stimulation, here is where vibrators, digits, and lube become your next best friend. And now, repeat after me: “I am worthy of pleasure, I deserve pleasure, I enjoy my pleasure, simply for being me.” If this isn’t ringing for you, design your own positive affirmation, say it, sing it, repeat it! Be an orgasm warrior. Sara Schapiro-Halberstam, MHC-LP, CASAC is a psychotherapist in New York City where she practices individual therapy, couples counseling, and sex counseling. You can contact Sara at sara@mwr.nyc and read more blog posts at www.mwr.nyc
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