By; Shira Keller-Ohana, MHC-LP I used to wonder what makes one individual more resilient than another when faced with a painful situation or struggle. Linehan M. speaks on the concept of radical acceptance and its usefulness in painful situations. When one is faced with a painful or challenging situation, there are several ways in which he or she can perform: they can solve the problem, change how they feel about it, accept it, or stay miserable. However, Linehan talks about total and complete acceptance – radical acceptance – as a way to manage life’s challenges. When one accepts his or her situation, it doesn’t necessarily mean the person is glad about it. In actuality, radical acceptance may bring about sadness; but this is accompanied by an added feeling of centeredness. On the other hand, when we don’t radically accept our situation, the sadness may not be present. Instead, a deep sense of unbearable pain may take its place. There are times when reality is painful and, as a result, we try to push away the associated emotions and or fight against it through unhealthy coping mechanisms. Although this form of coping tends to bring about a temporary relief, in the long run, it intensifies the unwanted feelings. This happens when we bury the underlining emotions or situations and instead resort to obtaining temporary relief through unhealthy coping mechanisms. When one incorporates radical acceptance into their daily life, they are committing to accepting their reality as it is, and understanding what they can and cannot control. Furthermore, part of radical acceptance is being nonjudgmental and looking at just the facts of the situation, in addition to letting go and not fighting against the reality of the situation. While Many of us find it difficult to be present when dealing with uncomfortable and painful moments or emotions, that is all part of radical acceptance through which we can achieve a meaningful life. Taking a step towards self-betterment, and achieving a sense of centeredness happens when one completely and totally accept their reality, even if they think the reality is unbearable. Through psychotherapy, therapists and clients work together to bring about a radical acceptance of the past and present, in order to accomplish a more centered sense of self in any given situation. Reference Linehan, M. Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy of Borderline Personality Disorder. New York: The Guilford Press, 1993. AuthorShira Keller-Ohana, MHC-LP is a psychotherapist in New York City where she provides individual, couple, and family counseling. You can contact Shira at shira@mwr.nyc read more of her blog posts at www.mwr.nyc/blog
0 Comments
Anxiety may cause many physical complications and jeopardize one’s physical health, even though the origin is due to a mental component. It’s interesting that a mental thing can cause a physical effect. Lets take for example the fight-or-flight response; your system creates the stress chemicals (adrenaline, norepinephrine, and cortisol) causing your heart to race and blood pressure to increase. This response is there to save us from danger, however in many cases when faced with mildly stressful situations we tend to interpret as threatening and instead of it helping us, it causes our brains to overreact to various situations as threatening. However, this continuous exaggerated brain activity can cause abrasions and deterioration to the heart, muscles and brain. There are some individuals that don’t necessarily internalize the daily anxiety and stresses. What makes one individual more prone to struggle with anxiety as apposed to another? Nature and nurture both play an important roll. On the one hand, learning how to react to stress may be a learned behavior, which was modeled by parents and or caregivers. On the other hand, a genetic predisposition to be reactive or calm is another side of the coin. Various activities to help reduce anxiety
Using all or some of the strategies mentioned above may help reduce stress and bring about an overall well-being, both mentally and physically. People who are Smarter than you Being around people who are smarter or more intellectual than you can expand your own intelligence. Having intellectual conversations heightens your intellect. We become smarter by challenging our thinking and stretching beyond the basics. Having smart people around you will force you to keep up with them. If you want to be smarter, hang around the smart folks. People who are Positive People with positive energy infuse positivity into others. Choose to be around the people who will encourage your goals and passions. Positive people are the ones who believe in their own success and are able to support those around them to achieve and succeed. Positive people are always looking ahead instead of wallowing in the past, encouraging others to do the same. People who are Confident Confident people are able to foster confidence in others. People who are confident are not afraid of your success, your confidence, and your healthy self-esteem. Bud Blinach writes the following about confident people, “They are not threatened by you or your success. They realize that self-esteem is not a fixed pie. There is an unlimited amount of it to go around, so positive people are always giving it away.” Confident people are there for you when you doubt yourself by boosting you up when needed. People who are Active and Living Healthy You are more likely to be overweight if your friends are overweight. Obesity is contagious. People who are not active and are not conscious about their eating habits and are more likely to plan social gatherings that involve way too much nachos, cheese, fried foods, and watching TV. People who are active and aspire toward healthy leaving will plan social gatherings that suit their healthy lifestyle. Dragging you along for the ride. Oops, I mean run. It is easier to make healthy choices when everyone around you is doing the same. NOT like-minded People Surrounding yourself with like-minded people is important, but there are risks to only being with like-minded people. Sprinkling in some friends who have different opinions than your own will give you the perfect mix. Having people around you with differing opinions will force you to defend your position, consider different options, challenge your thinking, and it will make life more exciting. People who say Thank You Are there people in your life that take your ideas or advice and never give you the credit? It’s time to cut them loose. Leeches are everywhere. These are the people who are always copying everyone around them but never give credit where credit is due. Surround yourself with people who respect and admire your ideas/advice and they are capable of thanking you when they implement changes in their life that were inspired by you. Take inventory. Who are the people in your life who add something constructive, and who are the people who subtract from your life? Choose to stick around the people who will make you a better person, encourage your growth, and will push you past your limits. Sara Schapiro-Halberstam, MHC-LP, CASAC is a psychotherapist in New York City where she practices individual therapy, couples counseling, and sex counseling. You can contact Sara at sara@mwr.nyc and read more blog posts at www.mwr.nyc
Follow me on Instagram @sexfacts4dummies Follow me on Twitter @flashtherapy15 Couples avoid couples therapy because they are tired of hearing what their partner thinks they are doing wrong. Most fights between couples are based on “you always do that and you never do this” kind of phrases. Lots of finger pointing and change never happens. Couples meet each other at a standoff. Each one refusing to move and insisting they are waiting for the other to make the move. Why is it that we forget about our own personal growth, interests, motivations, and are only able to see how our partner is getting in our way? What happened to the fierce, independent, conquer the world, person you once were? Many people in relationships place all responsibility on the other and they fail to give themselves credit for what they are capable of, both the good and the bad. Finger pointing not only causes fights, it causes your self-esteem to plummet. You once believed in your capabilities but since you started your relationship you relinquished it all to your partner. Now, you insist that the only way you can be successful is if your partner is on board. Challenge yourself. Can you move forward with your career goals, personal goals, becoming the person you want to be, regardless of where your partner is at? Homaira Kabir, a positive psychology life coach, speaks about the importance of learning your own inner world in her article Why Should I Make The Effort. Investing time in a standoff is a lose-lose. If no one makes a move the relationship will continue to suffer. If the relationship ends, you have wasted a lot of time becoming someone you do not like, now you need to work to undo the mess. Additionally, you wasted time where you could’ve been pursuing your own goals, now that the relationship has ended you are still in the same spot that you where when the relationship began. Couples therapy does not have to be about continued finger pointing, you can do that at home (and its free). Couples therapy should be focused on developing personal responsibility and taking back your individual powers. Continuing to invest in yourself will help you achieve your own goals, thereby enhancing your self-esteem, which will hopefully trigger a change in the standoff you’ve been having with your partner for so many months. Sara Schapiro-Halberstam, MHC-LP, CASAC is a psychotherapist in New York City where she practices individual therapy, couples counseling, and sex counseling. You can contact Sara at sara@mwr.nyc and read more blog posts at www.mwr.nyc
Follow me on Instagram @sexfacts4dummies Follow me on Twitter @flashtherapy15 The terms sex and gender are used interchangeably. These two terms (sex and gender) are in fact not interchangeable since the terms describe different experiences. Sex is what you are assigned at birth. Gender is an internal understanding of self that one begins to develop at birth, and this understanding continues to evolve over time. Gender – There are three aspects that makeup the complete understanding of ones own gender: 1. Biological gender - your physical gender presentation 2. Gender Identity - your internal understanding of self as male, female, both, or none 3. Gender Expression - how you relate to another gender. Sex – the anatomy you have at birth, including your gonads, your sex chromosomes, and sex hormones. When a baby is born, the baby is assigned the male or female sex according to the physical presentation. Developing a gender identity: John Money (1993) explains that we understand our gender identity in two ways, identifying and complementing. Identifying is when we copy someone who has the same gender identity as our own. Complementing is when we learn how our gender identity compliments another’s gender identity. For example, we learn how to dance by identifying (copying) with the instructor and we learn about the beauty of dance by watching how we compliment our dancing partner. The gender spectrum: Because we see sex and gender as interchangeable terms we have only two affixed terms for gender: male or female. Yet, taking a look at the Bem Sex Role Inventory tells us that gender is more complex than the assigned sexual anatomy. The Bem-Sex role inventory was designed in 1971 in order to measure the masculine, feminine, and androgynous traits in each person. The inventory places each person on a spectrum from femininity to masculinity in contrast to 2 affixed terms. To more accurately explain the human experience we would have to move away from our binary understanding of gender, to a continuum of gender traits. While many may don't care about their male or female title, some are yearning to connect to their gender experience with a more expansive non-binary term. Welcoming a gender spectrum would benefit even those who are comfortable with their matched sex and gender (cis-gender). This would allow all of us to experience both our male and female attributes without feeling forced to suppress our counter-sex traits. See this video posted by The Huffington Post for a detailed list of gender identity terms. Sara Schapiro-Halberstam, MHC-LP, CASAC is a psychotherapist in New York City where she practices individual therapy, couples counseling, and sex counseling. You can contact Sara at sara@mwr.nyc and read more blog posts at www.mwr.nyc
Follow me on Instagram @sexfacts4dummies Follow me on Twitter @flashtherapy15 In 2012 the FDA approved the first HIV over-the-counter, home-use test. Users can do a simple oral swab and will receive a response in a matter of minutes. Unfortunately, the test did not get the attention it deserves. The benefits of the OraQuick in-home HIV tests can help people know their HIV status a lot sooner. The sooner someone knows their HIV status, the sooner they can get help. Treating HIV early improves treatment outcomes and quality of life. The test is a simple oral swab and it will indicate a negative or positive response. A positive result on the test means the person has antibodies for the disease and should go see their primary care physician immediately. A negative result indicates the person has not been infected because the body did not build the antibodies. It is important to note that antibodies take time to build, if you know you have participated in risky sexual behaviors or shared a needle, test yourself again a few weeks or months later. Many people avoid getting tested for HIV because they delay making an appointment, they are concerned about meeting someone in the waiting room, they are afraid to wait for their results an entire week, they get queasy around needles, and other reasons people avoid getting tested. The OraQuick in-home HIV test solves many of the above concerns. A. No waiting to see a doctor. The test is done in the comfort of your own home B. No need to worry about bumping into someone you do not want to meet in the waiting room C. The response is immediate, unlike other test where you wait for your results. D. If you are afraid of needles, you do not have to draw blood. E. This is quick and easy. If you know you are at risk of contracting HIV you can stock up with these tests at home and test yourself every 3 to 6 months. If you are still not convinced, read this article on 7 reasons to get tested for HIV. OraQuick can be purchased on Amazon.com #gettested *Disclaimer: This article is not about endorsing the product but to bring awareness to the public. The best way to protect yourself from HIV and STD’s is practicing safe sex. Sara Schapiro-Halberstam, MHC-LP, CASAC is a psychotherapist in New York City where she practices individual therapy, couples counseling, and sex counseling. You can contact Sara at sara@mwr.nyc and read more blog posts at www.mwr.nyc
Follow me on Instagram @sexfacts4dummies Follow me on Twitter @flashtherapy15 Originally posted by Jewishnews.com Distance and space are essential for creating sexual and erotic tension. Just as a burning fire needs space to burn, so do our emotions and feelings. One of the key generators of attraction is emotional space: the understanding of where you begin and end, and where the other begins and ends. Emotional space is often created by physical distance. For example, when your lover travels abroad or is away for a business conference. The physical distance leads to feelings of longing and desire. Emotional space can also be created by emotional distancing, such as a fight. Arguments and fights between lovers distance them from each other and thus create emotional space. It is this temporary emotional detachment that results in makeup sex being so arousing and sexually stimulating. What is it about space that fires eroticism? It’s the human nature to desire what we can’t have or what’s further than an arms distance. At the age of 5 it is the red lollypop that was taken away from us, at the age of 12 it is the computer game our parents won’t let us play, and at 16 it’s the boyfriend our friend has. From there on, throughout our adult life, we are attracted mostly to what appears out of our reach. Creating emotional space doesn’t require physical distance or an uncomfortable fight. Emotional space can be created by self-confidence. In fact, confidence is the most effective and powerful tool in generating such space. When looking for a partner, people have different preferences and often find certain physical and personal features attractive. However, one specific feature that often tips us head over heels is a person’s confidence and assurance in their own abilities. Yes, there are a few exceptions: some people are attracted to a damsel-in-distress. However, can such attraction last? What happens when the other is no longer in distress, does the attraction fade? Confidence creates distance because it sends the message: “I’m fine, I can function without you.” For example, suppose you accompany your partner to her office’s holiday party. You observe her as she engages with her colleagues and boss. You see her in a different environment, playing a different role, and all of a sudden you find yourself more attracted to her then you’ve been in weeks. You might attribute it to her new party dress or perfect makeup, but it isn’t so. The “you-can’t-have” bells are beginning to ring. In this case it isn’t necessarily what you can’t have but rather about what you are not guaranteed. You realize that she has her own identity and that she is not dependent on you. You realize that she has a life outside your relationship, a corner of her own. To make it clear, I am not referring to a snotty, arrogant, and stuck up behavior, but rather what I am describing is a genuine self-confidence and assurance. Indeed, life with a partner can enhance our experiences and our sense of who we are as people. However, having an identity outside the relationship is important. Confidence within a relationship is being comfortable and happy with who you are independently of whether you are in a relationship or not. To clarify once again, I’m not advocating for fear and paranoia that our partner might actually leave us. Living in such fear has the effect of pouring water on fire. Rather, we simply need to become aware of the emotional distance between ourselves and our partner. It is in this space that eroticism can flourish. The next time you dress up – while you’re putting on heels or a fancy tie -remember that attraction is strongly dependent on your confidence and not necessarily on the way the tie brings out the color of your eyes. Sara Schapiro-Halberstam, MHC-LP, CASAC is a psychotherapist in New York City where she practices individual therapy, couples counseling, and sex counseling. You can contact Sara at sara@mwr.nyc and read more blog posts at www.mwr.nyc
Follow me on Instagram @sexfacts4dummies Follow me on Twitter @flashtherapy15 Disclaimer: I use the pronoun she to describe the victim since many of the media stories about college campus rape are a male perpetrator and a female victim. This is not to discredit or overlook the rape and abuse of male victims. Where I use the pronoun she can easily be replaced with he and the facts of why we don't believe the victim would be the same. In the previous blog post I wrote about societies failure to admit to rape, calling rape accusations - false, and preferring to blame it all on alcohol use or on the victims behaviors and not the rapists actions. In this blog I would like to highlight some points about how the media and the court system builds their case that a rape accusation is false. Thereby, allowing the rapist to carry on without taking full responsibility for his actions. Statistics show that out of 1000 perpetrators, only 6 are convicted of rape and go to jail.
Sara Schapiro-Halberstam, MHC-LP, CASAC is a psychotherapist in New York City where she practices individual therapy, couples counseling, and sex counseling. You can contact Sara at sara@mwr.nyc and read more blog posts at www.mwr.nyc
Follow me on Instagram @sexfacts4dummies Follow me on Twitter @flashtherapy15 Countless of campus rape stories and trials are in the news. Along with these public rape trials or shall we call it, public slaughter of the victims, comes the cry of "it's a false rape accusation" What terrifies me most is that the cry of false accusation is not that we've got the wrong perp but that the perpetrator claims his action was not rape. "He and the victim were merely drunk, yes of course she enjoyed it" The rapist has the audacity to claim that consent was given by someone who was so intoxicated that she doesn't even remember the details of the night. In stead of the focus being on a horrific sexual act and the behavior of violating a woman it becomes all about the alcohol and drinking, as you can read in the letter by the Stanford rape victim. We start to campaign against campus drinking in stead of campaigning against rape. We start to preach about controlled drinking instead of teaching consent. We announce that alcohol is the cause of bad choices, in stead of pointing a finger at the rapist and saying "HE made the bad choice" Why? Is the topic of sex still so taboo that even when we need to protect others we still refuse to admit that sex is a thing - that we do? Society and its leaders are so comfortable speaking about campus drinking and they refuse to speak about campus sex. Dear leaders and educators, I will say it in the best way I know how; "college students are having sex!" Quite with the abstinence talk, quit with the save it for marriage blabber, quit with the threats of STDs, and start talking about SEX. Teach young adults about sex, pleasure, safety, consent, and their right to make choices! Teach young adults that they have the right to pleasure and sex as long as they ask and don't take. And maybe, just maybe, the next person who rapes won't be so confused about what consent TRULY means. Sara Schapiro-Halberstam, MHC-LP, CASAC is a psychotherapist in New York City where she practices individual therapy, couples counseling, and sex counseling. You can contact Sara at sara@mwr.nyc and read more blog posts at www.mwr.nyc
Follow me on Instagram @sexfacts4dummies Follow me on Twitter @flashtherapy15 In the article 'Girls & Sex' And The Importance Of Talking To Young Women About Pleasure, Peggy Orenstein speaks about the importance of teaching girls about tuning into their own desires.Girls are socialized to give to their partners. The topic of receiving pleasure from their partner is sadly overlooked. Too often, girls share how they will give oral sex but they are never met with the same in return. Girls should know, that if they are always focused on the guy’s pleasure and never ask for pleasure in return, they are being used. I love the example Orenstein shares about a boyfriend who is always asking for a cup of water but never brings his girlfriend a drink. In this scenario we easily see the inequality. Why don’t we see the inequality when it comes to sexuality? Sex and sexual pleasure should include both giving and receiving. But, It should not be tit-for-tat (no pun intended). Both partners should be thinking about how they can give their partner pleasure and at the same time how they can ask for pleasure. Some partners find themselves in a double standard, where one partner is always asking explicitly for what he or she wants in bed and the other partner shy’s away from asking for what he or she wants. Your Partner cannot mind-read (wouldn’t it be nice if he/she did?) therefore, asking for what you want is essential for both of your sexual pleasures to be met. If you partner turns down all your requests for pleasure... then we have a different problem. |
Authors
Archives
February 2023
Categories
All
|