Feature by Nikita Fernandes Via Pixabay Mahatma Gandhi writes that “The greatness of humanity is not in being human, but in being humane.” There is power in acknowledging our humanity. To be human means that we make mistakes, say the wrong things, trust people who hurt us and feel emotions deeply. Being human also allows us to feel a great capacity of love, compassion and empathy. A humanistic therapist engages in humanistic therapy when they hold space for their client to sit with their humanness. In sitting with this, we are able to access grace and kindness for ourselves and for our past.
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Feature by Nikita Fernandes Via Pixabay In the safe space of therapy, it can be empowering and healing to use a relational-cultural approach when working with people of color or queer individuals. Relational-cultural theory, and by extension, relational-cultural therapy stems from the work of Jean Baker Miller, M.D. The practice aligned with the feminist and or multicultural movements in psychology while embracing many social justice aspects of these movements.
Repercussions of the COVID-19 Pandemic Related Stressors on LGBTQ+ Young Adult Mental Health6/8/2022 Feature by Nikita Fernandes Via Pixabay The COVID-19 pandemic took the whole world by surprise and wreaked havoc on a global scale. Although the pandemic presented many physical health implications, the pandemic also exacerbated the stressors that sexual and gender minorities feel on a day-to-day basis. The COVID-19 pandemic stressors have had multiple mental health repercussions for LGBTQ+ youth who are already receive less support. The psychological effects of quarantine have been related to an increased incidence of mental health issues such as post-traumatic stress disorder, confusion, rage, as well as more despair. During the quarantine period of the COVID-19 pandemic, LGBTQ+ young adults were forced to stay in homes with negative family climates which had a detrimental effect on their mental health (Gato et al., 2020). Many LGBTQ youths may not have disclosed their sexual and gender identities to their family yet, so they lack support and acceptance from this primary socialization group (Gato et al., 2020). LGBT youth feel “stuck at home with unsupportive parents” and face unfavorable factors such as self-quarantine, limited access to LGBT-specific campus resources, and distance from an affirming social network or chosen family (Gonzales et al., 2020). Therefore, it is critical to understand how the COVID-19 pandemic impacted LGBTQ+ young adult lives.
. Feature by Nikita Fernandes Via Pixabay
If you’re curious about kinks, you’ve come to the right place. Chances are you’ve heard the word kink before, as we move towards a society where sex is less stigmatized and people are having more open conversations about it. Psychological researcher Samuel Hughes defines kinks as “consensual, non-traditional sexual, sensual, and intimate behaviors such as sadomasochism, domination and submission, erotic roleplaying, fetishism, and erotic forms of discipline.” Kinks provide a way for us to engage in non-traditional sex through the lens of consent and mutual agreement. It takes people beyond the heteronormative context and allows us to question and challenge the set norms of society. Seeking kink affirming spaces offer a wonderful way to meet like-minded people and learn more about the experience. New York City offers a myriad of ways to get involved in kink or sex-positive communities be it attending a BDSM conference, attending a play party, or getting a Fetlife profile, which is essentially a social platform that connects people with similar kinks. William James, the father of psychology, used magnetic force as a metaphor to describe human connection and love. He explained that if we took a magnet and hovered it over safety pins the pins would connect to the magnet. And, if you put a paper on the magnet and hovered it over the same safety pins - the pins would still gravitate to the magnet and connect. For the pins, there is no difference between being connected directly to the magnet, or if there is a paper between itself and the magnetic force. However, humans are different. To the right there were tables of sex toys (e.g. DAME) and lubricants (e.g. Uberlube), to the left there were representatives educating us about the newest sex education phone apps (e.g. MeetRosy; OMGyes), and in the center, fabulous and fun sex therapists and educators were hanging around chatting about ADHD and sex, the best way to get your AASECT certification (shout out to the Modern Sex Therapy Institute), and debating over the usefulness of sensate focus therapy. This is the AASECT conference! In my next few blog posts I will share with you the highlights of the conference. The highlights that I share are the ways that I understood the information. What I write here is my own understanding of the workshops. As well as, I am only sharing my highlights – the things that excited me (Ye, I get geeky like that). Let’s talk optimal sex! Dr. Peggy Kleinplatz has the research to back it up. Dr. Kleinplatz and other researchers completed multiple research studies on optimal sexual experiences. I am merely summarizing some of the work by Dr. Kleinplatz. If you are curious to learn more about what I write about, I encourage you to go to her website – learn straight from the source www.optimalsexualexperiences.com. Well, this isn’t really an encouragement, you really need to read the article to fully grasp the power and beauty of the components of optimal sex. What Are The Components of Optimal Sexual Experiences? The researchers interviewed couples who have been in a relationship for 30+ years. Below is the list of the most popular responses. (The researchers did a bunch of fancy statistics to determine “the most popular”; and no - “most popular” is not a scientific word). (Kleinplatz, Ménard, Paquet, Paradis, Campbell, et al., 2009). Baby has arrived! The parents are elated with the new addition to the family. The baby takes in all the love showered onto him/her. When an infant is born he or she does not have a sense of self. He is not aware of where he ends and others begin; there is a bubble around him/her and mother. According to Margret Mahler, the task for the newborn infant is to develop his sense of self as an individual and separate person. At first, the infant is self-absorbed and perceives him/herself and mother as one. Then, the infant begins to be alert and curios about the world. Once the baby begins to crawl, he/she can actively experiment with being separate from the mother. Finally, the child recognizes that his mobile ability separates him from the mother. Yet, the baby still wants his mother near him as he ventures out. The mother’s reaction, to the child’s tentative experimentation with exploring the world, will determine the development of an individual self in the child. If the mother responds by being impatient with the child’s uncertainty, or with anger toward the child’s need for separateness, the child will fail to develop a strong sense of self. A child whose mother is unreliable, intrusive, and emotionally unavailable will develop fears of engulfment or abandonment. These fears will seriously interfere with the ability to be intimate in later years. The relationship between mother and child is the “prototype” for later intimate relationships. Since the attachment between the mother and child is the first intimate experience, good enough parenting establishes the ability for later intimate romantic relationships. Intimacy is dependent on the person’s ability to self-disclose and share personal information with the intimate other. Intimate relationships call on the person’s willingness to be vulnerable and trust that their partner will not abandon them. Most importantly, the person must trust his or her sense of self, that he or she will not completely collapse and lose their sense of self. Eric Erikson postulated that a healthy development trajectory includes the achievement of intimacy. If one does not resolve the developmental crisis of intimacy versus isolation, by forming close romantic relationships, their development to later stages are hindered. However, Erikson explains that in order to be intimate, a person first needs to have a self. As he quotes, “To be able to share a WE, we must have sense of I” (Erikson, 1984). The core of the psychic fear of intimacy is the fear of merging and engulfment by the other. Weak ego boundaries and the inability to maintain a sense of self is a threat to the self-identity and being intimate with a partner is a danger. As mentioned above, in order to be intimate one needs to have the capacity to be vulnerable, thereby loosening his or her boundaries. For a person with a poor sense of self, loosening his or her boundaries means a total loss of self. The paradox of intimacy is the ability to simultaneously remain separate yet connected. Intimacy requires a level of merging. But, for someone who cannot maintain his or her separate self, intimacy becomes impossible. The person fears that if they open themselves up to the other person, they will merge and be engulfed by their partner. Therefore, avoiding intimacy is a defense against the loss of self. Another area to consider is when one feels that their partner is merging into them. The partner’s genuine and caring attempt to be intimate is seen as an infringement on his or her autonomy. As one partner moves toward deeper intimacy, the other partner resists. (sexual acting out (i.e. infidelity) can potentially be an attempt to resist the deeper intimacy). It is important to note that everyone struggles with the dilemma of engulfment and the desire for an intimate relationship. The capacity to be intimate is dependent on the extent of the dilemma. The ability to trust that one can maintain their own identity without fusing into their partner’s identity; opens the space for intimacy to flourish. AuthorSara Schapiro-Halberstam, LMHC is a licensed mental health counselor in NYC, where she provides individual counseling and intimacy counseling. You can contact Sara at sara@mwr.nyc and read more blog posts at www.mwr.nyc Traditionally, across culture and across time, men have served as protectors and providers for their family and tribe. Over the years, men cultivated skills and characteristics that would ensure that their family is safe and secure. A family whose father was strong, invulnerable, fearless, self-sufficient, and a leader was most likely to survive. Specifically, being invulnerable required physical strength and emotional stoicism. An essential component of successfully defending one’s family and doing physical labor is to have control over emotions (a man who went to battle and started to cry was in trouble). Hence, men learned to suppress emotionality and society used shame to ensure that men stay within this structure. Ever since, emotional stoicism has been passed down as a masculine virtue. We no longer hunt for food or fight to protect our young (most of time), however, we still propagate the ideal that a “real man” does not show emotion. Through socialization, boys have learned that showing “soft” emotions (e.g. hurt, sadness, fear, pain) are not acceptable. Social and familial interactions teach boys that they will be ridiculed for crying in public or admitting to physical or emotional suffering. The Problem: The ideal of emotional stoicism has immense consequences. Much effort is expended on masking emotions which can lead to feelings of irritability and impatience. Men often report feeling confused and unable to identify what they are feeling. Unfortunately, men who cannot identify their emotions express their feelings through anger, and in extreme circumstances through rageful outbursts. Doctors also note that men’s emotional problems will manifest in physical ailments causing mental health problems (e.g. depression) to be overlooked. Sadly, when men finally do share their feelings, they experience anxiety and discomfort which leads to shame of not being “man enough”. The inability to be emotionally expressive interferes with relationships. When we block off one emotion, many other emotions are inhibited. As a result, some men have problems expressing not only negative emotions (e.g. sadness), but also caring and loving emotions. Contrary to the lay-public belief that men are unable to express emotions, men could express emotionality, however they choose to inhibit their emotions. On the upside, some men do express their emotions particularly to close friends who they trust. Also, men will share when they feel sad, distressed, or anxious with a loved one but they qualify their distress by re-assuring the listener that they are managing and handling the situation. What do? First and foremost, learn to not give a F****. Capitalize on your strength of self-reliance by turning it on its head. Instead of using invulnerability to be emotionally stoic, use fearlessness to disregard how others feel or react to your emotional expression. Second, begin to identify what you are feeling. If you need help with identifying how you feel use this emotion page. In fact, being oblivious to your internal emotions leaves you vulnerable because being unaware could lead to problematic decisions. Third, take the risk and share what you are feeling with a friend, family member, or spouse. Men have been socialized to take-risks: take-risks that will benefit you and your family. Fourth, start listening. Once again, this skill is inborn. Men have listened (for thousands of years) with their ear to the ground for the slightest sound of danger. Fifth, be a leader and take initiative. Show your family friends what being a “man” truly looks like. In our current times, protecting the family requires emotional attunement more than physical strength. A man who is in touch and attuned to his families needs can foresee problems, strategize accordingly, and protect his family. AuthorSara Schapiro-Halberstam, LMHC is a licensed mental health counselor in NYC, where she provides individual counseling and intimacy counseling. You can contact Sara at sara@mwr.nyc and read more blog posts at www.mwr.nyc “Do you go to the gym because you hate your body? Or do you go to the gym because you love your body?” Lisa, a registered dietitian and the founder of The Well Necessities, recently asked this question; I was intrigued. On the surface, as long as I am going to the gym, who cares why I go to the gym. But, emotionally and psychologically the answer to this question changes my experience and my relationship with fitness and healthy living. I can head to the gym with excitement, passion, and joy, or feel like I am being pushed or dragged toward the gym door. This question applies to many areas of our life, particularly in romantic relationships. We need to ask ourselves; why do we do what we do? Is it to avoid a consequence? Or are we driven by self-love? We spend much of our life making decisions based on avoiding consequences. Can you stop and ask yourself “Why do I (fill in the blank)?” Do you buy flowers because you love your wife/husband and the two of you as a couple? Do you buy flowers because you know she/he will be upset? Are you going to therapy to heal from your sexual transgressions because your relationship is important to you? Are you going to therapy to heal from a sexual transgression because you can’t stand the guilt you’re living with? Are you spending time with your kids because you cherish them? Are you spending time with your kids because you do not want to be a bad father/mother? The behavioral outcomes (i.e. you bought flowers) are the same, yet the emotional experience is vastly different. If we make decisions and do things because we are avoiding consequences, we never truly connect to the emotional benefits of our actions. Making a choice out of willingness - rather than avoidance - allows us to be immersed in the experience. Most importantly, the choice will feel natural and effortless. AuthorSara Schapiro-Halberstam, LMHC is a licensed mental health counselor in NYC, where she provides individual counseling and intimacy counseling. You can contact Sara at sara@mwr.nyc and read more blog posts at www.mwr.nyc Sexuality and gender are complex and complicated. For those who hate ambiguity, this might not be the greatest era. According to researcher Sandra Bem, gender is on a spectrum. Meaning, we can have both masculine and feminine traits. But, because we like to think in boxes, we are not comfortable with spectrums and we insist that people check the box. We are forced to pick a camp, thereby, limiting our emotional and behavioral openness. Martin Bergmann in his book “Anatomy of Loving” explains that is hard to know true gender identity because society influences us. Gender stereotypes are enforced before we are even born. Some might argue that gender expectations are not particularly problematic; “why does it matter if we expect boys to be lawyers and girls to be nurses?” Besides for limiting our intellectual opportunities, the main issue with gender stereotypes are the repercussions. Men and women experience immense shame when they do not live up to their gender expectations. Sigmund Freud believed that we are born bisexual and we suppress our attraction to the same-sex. Therefore, he wrote that we all have the potential to be gay. Sexuality is fluid but we have been socialized to be heterosexual. This is not to say that all of us are attracted to the same-sex and we are denying it. Merely, some of us have emotional and sexual openness to both genders. What about fantasies? Is this an indication that I am gay? No! Our sexual fantasies have specific psychological benefits (a longer conversation for a different time), in short; men experience gay fantasies as a relief. They feel that gay fantasies are less performance based and a test of their manhood. Yet, on the other hand, some men experience immense shame about their fantasies and see it as a threat to their masculinity. Similarly, women have gay fantasies or watch lesbian porn as well, and in the same way that men find these fantasies freeing, so do women. Perhaps bisexuality does not apply to you, but love sure does apply to you. When we fall in love with the opposite gender we are falling in love with gendered parts of ourselves that we rejected. From early on, we received explicit and implicit messages about what’s acceptable and lovable in a boy or a girl. We learned to shut down and cut off those parts (behaviors) that did not fit our gender. When we fall in love we feel whole again, because we have found the person who has the missing pieces. AuthorSara Schapiro-Halberstam, LMHC is a licensed mental health counselor in NYC, where she provides individual counseling and intimacy counseling. You can contact Sara at sara@mwr.nyc and read more blog posts at www.mwr.nyc |
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