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Baby has arrived! The parents are elated with the new addition to the family. The baby takes in all the love showered onto him/her. When an infant is born he or she does not have a sense of self. He is not aware of where he ends and others begin; there is a bubble around him/her and mother. According to Margret Mahler, the task for the newborn infant is to develop his sense of self as an individual and separate person. 
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 At first, the infant is self-absorbed and perceives him/herself and mother as one. Then, the infant begins to be alert and curios about the world. Once the baby begins to crawl, he/she can actively experiment with being separate from the mother. Finally, the child recognizes that his mobile ability separates him from the mother. Yet, the baby still wants his mother near him as he ventures out. The mother’s reaction, to the child’s tentative experimentation with exploring the world, will determine the development of an individual self in the child. If the mother responds by being impatient with the child’s uncertainty, or with anger toward the child’s need for separateness, the child will fail to develop a strong sense of self. A child whose mother is unreliable, intrusive, and emotionally unavailable will develop fears of engulfment or abandonment. These fears will seriously interfere with the ability to be intimate in later years.  

The relationship between mother and child is the “prototype” for later intimate relationships. Since the attachment between the mother and child is the first intimate experience, good enough parenting establishes the ability for later intimate romantic relationships. Intimacy is dependent on the person’s ability to self-disclose and share personal information with the intimate other. Intimate relationships call on the person’s willingness to be vulnerable and trust that their partner will not abandon them. Most importantly, the person must trust his or her sense of self, that he or she will not completely collapse and lose their sense of self.  

Eric Erikson postulated that a healthy development trajectory includes the achievement of intimacy. If one does not resolve the developmental crisis of intimacy versus isolation, by forming close romantic relationships, their development to later stages are hindered. However, Erikson explains that in order to be intimate, a person first needs to have a self. As he quotes, “To be able to share a WE, we must have sense of I” (Erikson, 1984).

The core of the psychic fear of intimacy is the fear of merging and engulfment by the other. Weak ego boundaries and the inability to maintain a sense of self is a threat to the self-identity and being intimate with a partner is a danger. As mentioned above, in order to be intimate one needs to have the capacity to be vulnerable, thereby loosening his or her boundaries. For a person with a poor sense of self, loosening his or her boundaries means a total loss of self. The paradox of intimacy is the ability to simultaneously remain separate yet connected. Intimacy requires a level of merging. But, for someone who cannot maintain his or her separate self, intimacy becomes impossible. The person fears that if they open themselves up to the other person, they will merge and be engulfed by their partner. Therefore, avoiding intimacy is a defense against the loss of self.

Another area to consider is when one feels that their partner is merging into them. The partner’s genuine and caring attempt to be intimate is seen as an infringement on his or her autonomy. As one partner moves toward deeper intimacy, the other partner resists. (sexual acting out (i.e. infidelity) can potentially be an attempt to resist the deeper intimacy). It is important to note that everyone struggles with the dilemma of engulfment and the desire for an intimate relationship. The capacity to be intimate is dependent on the extent of the dilemma. The ability to trust that one can maintain their own identity without fusing into their partner’s identity; opens the space for intimacy to flourish. 

​You scanned the headings of this blog post and  I am sure you are surprised. Relationships as a habit, being independent, endless harmony, and knowing everything about your partner: These are generally qualities that are deemed positive for a relationship or a long lasting love life. However, as we classically know “too much of a good thing is not always a good thing.”

Making your relationship into a habit
The killer: The beginning of relationships are exciting and invigorating. However, there is one nagging thought “will this last?” While the relationship continues to develop and we realize that we really like this person and we really like who we are while we are with him or her, we begin to desire more. Naturally, we want the relationship to continue, maybe hoping it will last a lifetime. Hence, we begin to make efforts toward chasing away the nagging thought of “will this last?” We desire this person so much, that we want to chase away the unpredictability of the relationship. To manage our anxiety, we move toward securing the relationship (and that means something different for every person) by creating routines and predictability. While security, predictability, and routine, is always positive progress for a relationship, there is an inherent risk in making your relationship predictable and almost monotonous. Your relationship becomes a habit, and no one feels sexy when they are someone’s habit. Habits are not particularly invigorating or exciting, habits are just there. You practiced long enough and now it is a part of your life, you do not need to think about it.  Secure relationships would definitely be on the list of good habits. Conversely, constant seeking of excitement and “non-habit” relationships are what fuel sexual affairs. So now, all this seems too confusing. Hence, we need to find that magic spot between stability and keeping a relationship passionate.

The remedy: Trying to do something different is always good for a relationship. Instead of trying to find something new to do, kick it up a notch and try to stop doing what you always do and see what happens. Let the moment take you. For example, you always kiss your partner good night, it is ingrained in your routine and you are not even aware that you are doing it. What happens if one night you don’t kiss her? How does she react? What happens between the two of you? Do you do something else? How do you feel? How does she feel? No matter how this ends, you will learn something new about your relationship and your partner. Be aware: It is risky! But perhaps your relationship has been yearning for some risk.

Being Independent
The killer: “Independence is a problem? Didn’t you write an article on the importance of independence?” Yes! and I also wrote an article on dependency leading to satisfaction and commitment. But, complete independence and eliminating dependency in a relationship is the recipe for the death of love. Being dependent on someone makes the relationship “high-stakes”. The more we desire, the more we fear the loss. When we have a high-stakes risk, we invest in it. It is the high-stakes in relationships that fuels romantic passion. Desiring our partners love, is a declaration of dependency. You cannot have desire without dependence. You are dependent on your partner’s reaction and your partner’s response toward you; “will he/she love you or not?”. Hence, dependency makes us feel vulnerable and many of us are entrenched in trying to escape vulnerability. In fact, one of the character traits of narcissistic personality disorder is the inability to be dependent on a romantic partner. Narcissists are unable to admit that they need their lover in their life. For narcissistic men and women, dependency is too threatening and they are likely to escape the relationship (physically or emotionally) the moment they feel a sense of dependency.

The remedy: Be dependent. Ok, not completely dependent. You need to strike the balance between being independent but not fearing to admit some dependency on your lover. If the word “need” is too much for you, then go with the word “desire”, then take the plunge to express to your partner that you desire his or her love, comfort, recognition, respect… If there is something that your partner does best, let them know. For example, your partner makes a wicked coffee, thank him and let him know that his barista skills beat yours.

Endless Harmony
The Killer: I know I am pushing it now. But, endless harmony is the killer. The essence of relationships, as cliché as this sounds, are “its ups and downs.” Relationships will always have disagreements. If you are waiting for the day when you and your partner will never, ever fight again, you might want to reevaluate. If couples are in a relationship, past their honeymoon phase, and never fight or disagree, then their relationship is dead. Endless harmony means that one of you are not being honest. Partners will often avoid telling one another what they think or feel in order to avoid a fight. They create a façade of harmony when internally they are sitting on a lifetime of emotions they have never disclosed. Or, one partner is completely checked out of the relationship. He or she could not careless about their partner or their relationship.  

The remedy: Check in with one another. If expressing yourself in the moment is not your style or sometimes you don’t even know what you are feeling till after the fact, create a time of the day or week that is dedicated to sharing with your partner. For example, your partner mumbles under her breath that this is the third time this week she’s cleaned up after you and you are such a slob. You go about your day but find yourself irritable and yelling at your kids. You insightfully recognize that you were quiet hurt by your partner’s comment but you are unsure how to bring it up to her since the incident has passed. If you have a set time of day where you check in, you would be able to express your hurt feelings to your partner without trying to find the “right moment.”
 
“I know everything about you”
The Killer: Knowing everything there is to know about our partner makes us feel secure. We want to know what our partner is up to and we want to believe that our partner does not have hidden parts to him or self. However, there is a risk in believing that we know everything about him or her. The declaration of “I know everything there is to know about you” undermines and undervalues the complexity of the human psyche. We will never know each other completely -- that is what makes human relationships interesting, and yes, sometimes quite difficult. We are always changing, new environments stimulate different responses and triggering events evoke parts of our personality we might not have known about. When you stop being curious and discovering new aspects of your partner, your relationship stops growing.

The remedy: Be curious. Remain open and curious to learn about your partner. Ask you partner questions with curiosity and leave judgment outside the room. Asking questions with curiosity gives the other person the opportunity to respond honestly rather than defensively. Curious questions cultivate respect in a relationship allowing space for individualism and honoring differences. By remaining curious, you are guaranteed to learn something new about your partner.

Every time I suggest to a client the idea of scheduling sex, without fail I get the same reaction. Either turning up their nose or a flat out no accompanied by “that so unromantic” or “it kills the vibe, if I need to schedule sex I would rather not do it.”  
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Since you refuse to schedule sex, this is what it looks like: You want to flirt but you withhold because you're afraid that it will lead to sex and you just do not have time. Days go by as you and your partner make halfhearted attempts at initiating sex but you are both so distracted that nothing ever happens. You are tempted to sext your partner but abstain because you know you’ll both be drained at the end of the day, so why bother ignite the passion. You neglect to do anything to spark sexual tension because you've completely forgotten that sex is even a thing.
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Imagine this, you know that your sex-date is scheduled for Monday or Wednesday or whatever your favorite day of the week is. You allow yourself to flirt, because you know there is no way sex is happening. So flirt all you want because you are going right back to that task that is waiting for you. You sext or send naughty messages as your sex-date draws closer. You allow sexual tension to build up because you know you are going down (or up) with a bang. All the passion that you invest has a goal and when on your sex-date you are present, no distractions. You are excited to remain intimately engaged because you most definitely remember that sex is a still a thing.
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And if you break the schedule... have sex outside the allowed day… oh well, I doubt you'll complain.
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My favorite infograph of the year! 

Gender – There are three aspects that makeup the complete understanding of ones own gender:
1. Biological gender - your physical gender presentation
2. Gender Identity - your internal understanding of self as male, female, both, or none
3. Gender Expression - how you relate to another gender.
 
Sex – the anatomy you have at birth, including your gonads, your sex chromosomes, and sex hormones. When a baby is born, the baby is assigned the male or female sex according to the physical presentation.
 
Developing a gender identity: John Money (1993) explains that we understand our gender identity in two ways, identifying and complementing. Identifying is when we copy someone who has the same gender identity as our own. Complementing is when we learn how our gender identity compliments another’s gender identity. For example, we learn how to dance by identifying (copying) with the instructor and we learn about the beauty of dance by watching how we compliment our dancing partner.
 
The gender spectrum: Because we see sex and gender as interchangeable terms we have only two affixed terms for gender: male or female. Yet, taking a look at the Bem Sex Role Inventory tells us that gender is more complex than the assigned sexual anatomy. The Bem-Sex role inventory was designed in 1971 in order to measure the masculine, feminine, and androgynous traits in each person. The inventory places each person on a spectrum from femininity to masculinity in contrast to 2 affixed terms.
 
To more accurately explain the human experience we would have to move away from our binary understanding of gender, to a continuum of gender traits. While many may don't care about their male or female title, some are yearning to connect to their gender experience with a more expansive non-binary term. Welcoming a gender spectrum would benefit even those who are comfortable with their matched sex and gender (cis-gender). This would allow all of us to experience both our male and female attributes without feeling forced to suppress our counter-sex traits.
 
See this video posted by The Huffington Post for a detailed list of gender identity terms.
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In 2012 the FDA approved the first HIV over-the-counter, home-use test. Users can do a simple oral swab and will receive a response in a matter of minutes. Unfortunately, the test did not get the attention it deserves. The benefits of the OraQuick in-home HIV tests can help people know their HIV status a lot sooner.  The sooner someone knows their HIV status, the sooner they can get help. Treating HIV early improves treatment outcomes and quality of life.
 
The test is a simple oral swab and it will indicate a negative or positive response. A positive result on the test means the person has antibodies for the disease and should go see their primary care physician immediately. A negative result indicates the person has not been infected because the body did not build the antibodies. It is important to note that antibodies take time to build, if you know you have participated in risky sexual behaviors or shared a needle, test yourself again a few weeks or months later.
 
Many people avoid getting tested for HIV because they delay making an appointment, they are concerned about meeting someone in the waiting room, they are afraid to wait for their results an entire week, they get queasy around needles, and other reasons people avoid getting tested. The OraQuick in-home HIV test solves many of the above concerns. A. No waiting to see a doctor. The test is done in the comfort of your own home B. No need to worry about bumping into someone you do not want to meet in the waiting room C. The response is immediate, unlike other test where you wait for your results.  D. If you are afraid of needles, you do not have to draw blood. E. This is quick and easy. If you know you are at risk of contracting HIV you can stock up with these tests at home and test yourself every 3 to 6 months. If you are still not convinced, read this article on 7 reasons to get tested for HIV.
 
OraQuick can be purchased on Amazon.com #gettested
 
*Disclaimer: This article is not about endorsing the product but to bring awareness to the public. The best way to protect yourself from HIV and STD’s is practicing safe sex. 

Disclaimer: I use the pronoun she to describe the victim since many of the media stories about college campus rape are a male perpetrator and a female victim. This is not to discredit or overlook the rape and abuse of male victims. Where I use the pronoun she can easily be replaced with he and the facts of why we don't believe the victim would be the same. 

In the previous blog post I wrote about societies failure to admit to rape, calling rape accusations - false, and preferring to blame it all on alcohol use or on the victims behaviors and not the rapists actions. In this blog I would like to highlight some points about how the media and the court system builds their case that a rape accusation is false. Thereby, allowing the rapist to carry on without taking full responsibility for his actions. Statistics show that out of 1000 perpetrators, only 6 are convicted of rape and go to jail.   

1. The most popular reason is blaming the victim. She was asking for it, she was dressed slutty, she was into it (what does that even mean?) she was so drunk she can't remember that she said yes.
2. The victims memory is vague. "If she can't remember what happened, then how can we know she didn't say yes?" There are countless of research studies explaining how memories are altered in the event of a trauma. In order to protect our psychological wellbeing our brain will suppress the details of the traumatic event, known as dissociative amnesia. This memory loss can be short term, with the memory and details of the event surfacing shortly, or long term, where the memory and details never surface or the memories return many years later.  
3. Friends, family, colleagues, classmates of the rapist claim "he's such a nice guy, he would never do this?" As Laci Green expresses in her YouTube video "rapists aren't creepy men hiding in the shadows, they are normal guys ..." 
4. The victim convinces herself it didn't happen and retracts her statement, or comes forward months later. To admit that someone violated your most intimate space is too painful. Some victims attempt to suppress all memories of the event and they convince themselves that nothing ever happened. But sometimes, the pain keeps resurfacing and the with the help of friends, family, or a therapist they choose to come forward about the rape. Coming forward weeks or months later is used against the victim. Additionally, When a victim recognizes that she is going to have to replay and repeat over and over what happened to her in a public realm, she shuts down, and retracts her statement. She's been violated once, she cannot be violated again. 

Countless of campus rape stories and trials are in the news. Along with these public rape trials or shall we call it, public slaughter of the victims, comes the cry of "it's a false rape accusation" What terrifies me most is that the cry of false accusation is not that we've got the wrong perp but that the perpetrator claims his action was not rape. "He and the victim were merely drunk, yes of course she enjoyed it" The rapist has the audacity to claim that consent was given by someone who was so intoxicated that she doesn't even remember the details of the night. 

In stead of the focus being on a horrific sexual act and the behavior of violating a woman it becomes all about the alcohol and drinking, as you can read in the letter by the Stanford rape victim. We start to campaign against campus drinking in stead of campaigning against rape. We start to preach about controlled drinking instead of teaching consent.  We announce that alcohol is the cause of bad choices, in stead of pointing a finger at the rapist and saying "HE made the bad choice" Why? Is the topic of sex still so taboo that even when we need to protect others we still refuse to admit that sex is a thing - that we do? Society and its leaders are so comfortable speaking about campus drinking and they refuse to speak about campus sex. Dear leaders and educators, I will say it in the best way I know how; "college students are having sex!" Quite with the abstinence talk, quit with the save it for marriage blabber, quit with the threats of STDs, and start talking about SEX. Teach young adults about sex, pleasure, safety, consent, and their right to make choices! Teach young adults that they have the right to pleasure and sex as long as they ask and don't take. And maybe, just maybe, the next person who rapes won't be so confused about what consent TRULY means. ​

The basic rule about sex is that as long as the act/action is Safe, Sane, and Consensual, enjoy it at your hearts content. How do we define sexual consent? Generally, consent is when two (or more) individuals agree on a specific sex act. The consent given is only for the particular encounter. If your partner consents to kissing, it does not mean that he or she consented to intercourse.
 
Sometimes, consent is not a simple “yes you may.” You cannot say yes, if you cannot say no. If you do not feel comfortable saying no to sex or a specific sex act, your yes, is not a yes.
 
Here are some questions to ponder: If a student has sex with her professor, is that consent? Or, if a 19 year- old girl has sex with her 50 year-old neighbor, is that consent? Can consent be given if the partners are not equal in their levels of sexual maturity?  
 
How about, if one partner is not emotionally stable? For example, you are aware that the boy you are pursuing recently had a trauma in his life. Or, the girl you are pursuing is struggling with an addiction or a mental illness. Are these individuals truly consenting?
 
Most importantly, is it consent if one partner is intoxicated? Perhaps you are a little tipsy but your partner is surely drunk, is it okay to make out with him or her? Who is the one responsible in this situation?
 
And then there is the encounter where consent is not explicitly spoken about. “But he or she did not say no!” If they did not say no, does it mean they said yes?
 
These are complex questions that test our ethical boundaries. Always remember to watch for the other persons’ body language, facial expression, and listen to what they are saying. Rather err on the side of less sex, than err on the side of having non-consensual sex.
 
What do you think?
 

I always enjoy reading articles where celebrities call for positive change and inspire positive behavior. I am particularly pleased when these messages begin to foster sex positive change. Though not a fan of her music, I am a fan of Nicki Minaj’s call for orgasm awareness. As a woman, you have the right for pleasure and never should you be too shy, too afraid, or too uncomfortable to ask for pleasure. If you trust your skill more than your partners, that’s cool to. Let it be a joint effort. But, hardly ever should you turn away, thinking, I wish I got more.  
 
Are you wondering if orgasm is even your thing. Besides for the aw-awesome feeling, there are many health benefits to orgasms. Orgasms can relieve headaches, relieve stress, relieve anxiety, enhance focus enhance concentration, and best of all weight loss. An orgasm can burn 75 calories or more. Good orgasms can lead to healthy babies. The intensity of an orgasm makes it difficult for sperm to swim up the fallopian tube. This causes a natural selection process where the weaker sperm loses the race to the stronger and healthier sperm cells.
 
Speaking of orgasms, it would be unwise not to mention that very many women do not orgasm from vaginal sex. If you are one of the many who does not orgasm from vaginal sex with out clitoral stimulation, here is where vibrators, digits, and lube become your next best friend. And now, repeat after me: “I am worthy of pleasure, I deserve pleasure, I enjoy my pleasure, simply for being me.” If this isn’t ringing for you, design your own positive affirmation, say it, sing it, repeat it! Be an orgasm warrior. 
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