Originally posted on the Jewishnews.com http://jewishnews.com/2015/12/23/bringing-them-together-intimacy-and-eroticism/ Marital and sex therapists often speak about the intriguing dynamics between intimacy and eroticism. Superficially, these two terms seem contradictory and conflicting. Intimacy is associated with predictability, while eroticism is its wild erratic sibling. Because eroticism and intimacy are starkly different, people often assume that a relationship cannot have both and that once a relationship reaches a certain level of intimacy, eroticism is no longer necessary. Even more so, there is a belief that if a relationship has intimacy; sexual pleasure and desire will follow. Researchers and experts on the topic such as Esther Perel and Barry McCarthy explain that this belief is false. Approaching relationships with an either or perspective will harm both eroticism and intimacy. To create a productive, intimate and sexually satisfying relationship one needs to incorporate both eroticism and intimacy. For a couple to grow and flourish within the partnership each factor should to be addressed. Eroticism is characterized by the incorporation of personal and sexual risks and doing things differently. Different can be a new location, a new position, or new lingerie; any small change from your regular routine. Eroticism thrives on mystery and unpredictability. The less routine or familiar something is the more it fires the excitement. Eroticism brings vitality and feelings of youthfulness into the relationship. Eroticism needs space, individuality, and autonomy. In a simple catch phrase definition, eroticism is about not being politically correct (McCarthy, 2015). Intimacy, on the other hand, is defined by being a close and intimate team. Intimacy is about predictability and routine. The knowing of what will happen next: “I know how my partner moves, I know what he likes, I know how she will react”. It’s a feeling of union and synchrony. Intimacy brings a sense of emotional and sexual security, stability, and attachment. Intimacy does not require space nor self-differentiation. Some say intimacy is the definition of love. Since intimacy is characterized by familiarity and predictability it would seem that intimacy should guarantee a good sex life. Yet, marital therapists and counselors are finding that a high level of intimacy often causes low levels of sexual desire. Couples share that their relationship began with intense sexual desire but waned out over time. This usually occurred when their relationship moved from infatuation and excitement toward love and intimacy. The challenge is to keep eroticism alive in an intimate relationship. This can be accomplished by introducing spontaneity into the relationship. Being spontaneous means that you divert from the regular routine. For example, if nighttime is your intimate time, perhaps you can switch it up from time to time to a different time of day. A spontaneous touch during the day, a brief kiss, handholding while driving, a shoulder massage, or a quick hug are all good ways to change the routine and introduce something different. Keep in mind that eroticism goes well with change, and can be achieved by exploring something new. Some more examples: trying out new lingerie, perhaps a new adult toy, changing the bedroom vibe with lighting some scented candles, and if you are ready to push your boundaries, try out role-playing or a shared fantasy. Who ever said games are only for children? Playing games is an effective way to awaken your eroticism. Be creative when designing your little secret games. Here are some suggestions of games you can play. The bartering game is a fun way to enhance daily chores. If you ask your partner to do a chore introduce it with “if you pick up my clothes from the cleaners, I will… (use your imagination here)”. Another way to keep the fire alive is by sending each other fun texts or check in with phone calls. Other options are to design games for date nights. For example, you can create a dice with different intimate roles on its faces. You and your partner take turns throwing the dice and then acting out the roles. Giggles and laughs is a sure way to bring play into your relationship. Once the erotic scenario has been played we now need to bring intimacy back. An effective approach is after-play; where you and your partner decide what you enjoy doing after an erotic encounter. Examples of after-play are cuddling, talking about random topics, discussing the things you enjoyed in your experience together, joking with one another, highlighting the aspects or traits that you like about each other. Now is a good time to gently speak about concerns you may have (not related to intimacy!). With oxytocin, also known as the cuddle hormone, pulsing through your veins, your partner is more likely to listen compassionately. After play is important for facilitating bonding and connection, so try not skip out on it. Traditionally, it was assumed that women enjoy intimacy and men enjoy eroticism. Today, we know that both men and women desire intimacy and eroticism. Intimacy is the big fluffy cozy blanket, eroticism is no blanket, and having both is when you stick your toes out. Intimacy and eroticism appear to be direct enemies. What intimacy wants, eroticism despises. The challenge is to introduce intimacy to eroticism – eroticism to intimacy, and to teach them to live happily ever after. __________________________________________________________________________ Sara Schapiro-Halberstam, MHC-LP, CASAC is a psychotherapist in New York City where she practices individual therapy, couples counseling, and sex counseling. You can contact Sara at sara@mwr.nyc
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I began reading the article Ashley Madison Turns Loneliness into a Cash Cow and I had good expectations when I read the first few lines... but then the author and her wild assumptions completely lost me. She seems to have an outdated understanding of love, desire, and relationships. I agree with her sadness about people seeking out connection secretly and outside of their relationship. Unfortunately, she does a poor job at supporting her ideas and then runs amok with outdated assumptions. Yes, love is not a mystery. Yes, therapists and counselors can help couples ignite their passion and desire toward each other. But no, love of others is not our greatest resource. Your greatest resource is love for yourself. We do not HAVE to have love of others in order to be successful at our life goals. It is nice to have love, it is important to be connected, but we can survive by loving our self and caring for our own needs. In fact, according to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, sex is at the bottom, the most important, and love is further up in the hierarchy. The author continues on with stating that ALL evidence shows that humans are hard-wired to mate with one partner. Humans are socially wired to mate with one partner, not biologically wired. All over the world there are couples that seek out connection, sex, and intimacy with more than one partner. Dossie and Janet, the authors of the book Ethical Slut, do a wonderful job writing about being in relationships with more than one partner. The book Sex at Dawn by Ryan and Jethá, highlights historical and current communities that do not subscribe to the social norm of being with only one mate. This is not about advocating for open relationships, polyamory, or alternative life-styles. It is about clearly highlighting that we are not biologically hard wired; we are socially hard wired. Jack Morin, in his book The Erotic Mind, speaks about the need for space in order to create erotic desire. “After all, passion is all about erotic play and we play best when we feel safe and connected to others (Ashley Madison Turns Loneliness into a Cash Cow).” Jack Morin and Esther Perel, author of Mating in Captivity would take issue with the above statement. Passion is ignited when there is emotional or physical space between the partners, and passion dies when partners over identify or are enmeshed. Morin labeled this experience, “the desire of longing and anticipation.” Perhaps for some, the best erotic play happens when they feel loved and connected. But, what about the couples who have passionate makeup sex after a fight? Where would they fit in? Again, I take issue with the statements Dr. Sue Johnson so blatantly throws out there and the very clear research bias that she has. The flaw she makes is that sex and connection must always be one. As she clearly says “...research studies say that if we emotionally shut down and separate sex from our emotional life, we end up actually enjoying sex less!” Many sexually active people would disagree with this. Often, people will be concerned about their “emotionless” sex because of their irrational belief that everyone’s sexual experience MUST be the same and the ONLY way to enjoy “true” sex is if you are in-love. And for that, I would suggest the book Sex without Guilt in the 21st Century by Albert Ellis. ___________________________________________________________________ Sara Schapiro-Halberstam, MHC-LP, CASAC is a psychotherapist in New York City where she practices individual therapy, couples counseling, and sex counseling. You can contact Sara at sara@mwr.nyc |
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