In the article 'Girls & Sex' And The Importance Of Talking To Young Women About Pleasure, Peggy Orenstein speaks about the importance of teaching girls about tuning into their own desires.Girls are socialized to give to their partners. The topic of receiving pleasure from their partner is sadly overlooked. Too often, girls share how they will give oral sex but they are never met with the same in return. Girls should know, that if they are always focused on the guy’s pleasure and never ask for pleasure in return, they are being used. I love the example Orenstein shares about a boyfriend who is always asking for a cup of water but never brings his girlfriend a drink. In this scenario we easily see the inequality. Why don’t we see the inequality when it comes to sexuality?
Sex and sexual pleasure should include both giving and receiving. But, It should not be tit-for-tat (no pun intended). Both partners should be thinking about how they can give their partner pleasure and at the same time how they can ask for pleasure. Some partners find themselves in a double standard, where one partner is always asking explicitly for what he or she wants in bed and the other partner shy’s away from asking for what he or she wants. Your Partner cannot mind-read (wouldn’t it be nice if he/she did?) therefore, asking for what you want is essential for both of your sexual pleasures to be met. If you partner turns down all your requests for pleasure... then we have a different problem.
I always enjoy reading articles where celebrities call for positive change and inspire positive behavior. I am particularly pleased when these messages begin to foster sex positive change. Though not a fan of her music, I am a fan of Nicki Minaj’s call for orgasm awareness. As a woman, you have the right for pleasure and never should you be too shy, too afraid, or too uncomfortable to ask for pleasure. If you trust your skill more than your partners, that’s cool to. Let it be a joint effort. But, hardly ever should you turn away, thinking, I wish I got more.
Are you wondering if orgasm is even your thing. Besides for the aw-awesome feeling, there are many health benefits to orgasms. Orgasms can relieve headaches, relieve stress, relieve anxiety, enhance focus enhance concentration, and best of all weight loss. An orgasm can burn 75 calories or more. Good orgasms can lead to healthy babies. The intensity of an orgasm makes it difficult for sperm to swim up the fallopian tube. This causes a natural selection process where the weaker sperm loses the race to the stronger and healthier sperm cells.
Speaking of orgasms, it would be unwise not to mention that very many women do not orgasm from vaginal sex. If you are one of the many who does not orgasm from vaginal sex with out clitoral stimulation, here is where vibrators, digits, and lube become your next best friend. And now, repeat after me: “I am worthy of pleasure, I deserve pleasure, I enjoy my pleasure, simply for being me.” If this isn’t ringing for you, design your own positive affirmation, say it, sing it, repeat it! Be an orgasm warrior.
Sara Schapiro-Halberstam, MHC-LP, CASAC is a psychotherapist in New York City where she practices individual therapy, couples counseling, and sex counseling. You can contact Sara at firstname.lastname@example.org and read more blog posts at www.mwr.nyc
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Sara Schapiro-Halberstam, LMHC