The definition of self-esteem is one’s evaluation of their own self-worth. The ultimate question being, “Am I worthy?” Our culture has hijacked worthiness into being something that society decides upon. It is no longer, “I am worthy just because”, but it is “I am worthy because I earn money, I am a mother, I have a career, I own a car… “ Hence, if worthiness has been hijacked, so has self-esteem. Self-esteem has become the pursuit of all the things society decided are worthy actions, behaviors, milestones, and items. Pursuing self-worth became an outcomes based task, if you can prove it, if you succeeded at it, then you are worthy, otherwise, you are not worthy and your self-esteem plummets. Society defines worthiness and we have all bought into it. Your measuring stick of self-esteem is yours and societies idea and definition of who is worthy, what makes one worthy, and what we should consider valuable. With this understanding of self-esteem, we become hyper focused with only one area of improvement. We invest all our self-worth in specific domains such as being a good mother, being financially stable, or having the job of our dreams.

Proving that we are worthy comes with a high price. Since worthiness is prescribed by the culture you live in, you are always dependent on others to notice and validate that you are doing well. Relying on others for validation and recognition creates a cycle of fear and anxiety. You become anxious about the other person’s opinion and you become fearful that they will reject you. Rejection means, you are not worthy! And your self-esteem is crushed.

There are three things in life that satisfy us; competency, relatedness, and autonomy or what Freud said the ability to work, love, and play. Competency is our ability to work toward and master a task; relatedness is our ability to love and maintain relationships; autonomy is our ability to play and take risks. The pursuit of self-esteem interferes with these three life satisfying goals.

Competency is our ability not only to learn a new task, but to learn from our past experiences. Self-esteem steals this opportunity from you because you are focused on the end goal and not on the process. Learning from your process allows you to recognize specific failures so that you can recreate your journey by implementing changes to improve the process. Competency is not only about completing the task, it is about mastering the task in the most efficient, productive, and satisfying way.

Self-esteem interferes with our autonomy. Since self-esteem is contingent on societies rules and what society says is acceptable, you are stuck between embracing what you desire or satisfying others so that you can say you are worthy, by their standards (do you get this nonsense?). Essentially, self-esteem is confining and rigid, stifling your ability to play and take risks. For example, failure by society standards is terrible, only unworthy people fail. Therefore, you never try something new because you are afraid you will fail, if you fail then you are unworthy, and once again your self-esteem is hit. The cycle continues, you avoid risks because you do not want to ruffle the feathers of your delicate self-esteem.
 
Finally, self-esteem hinders our capacity to love and experience relationships. We get lost in the goal of being in a committed relationship (society says: “you should have a boyfriend, you should have tons of friends.”) that we lose sight of living in the moment, allowing the ups-and-downs of relationships impact us. We become so preoccupied with our self that we completely overlook the experiences of other people in our life. When people challenge us in relationships we fail to appraise ourselves accurately because we are too busy protecting our self-esteem. We jump for a quick fix instead of introspecting and reflecting.

Self-esteem cannot be the ultimate goal. Self-esteem will happen as a result of pursuing competency, relatedness, and autonomy. Use your internal voice to validate and motivate yourself. Let’s do away with self-esteem and focus on life-satisfaction, because you do not need to prove to yourself that you are worthy, “you are worthy just because.”

​The common myth is that men desire pleasure and women desire intimacy. In fact, men and women want more than just intimacy and pleasure. Even more so, research has shown that the myth that men are only interested in sex is false, men desire intimacy as well. There are three things men and women desire most. Men desire, pleasing their partner, pleasure, and orgasm and women desire, intimacy, feeling sexually desirable, and emotional closeness.
 
The Man
Pleasing his partner
The challenge for some men is that they do not know how, or what to do in order to please their partner. To help your man please you, start to communicate. Let your partner know what you enjoy. Research shows that people who are more sexually forward have higher sexual satisfaction. When a man is able to please his partner it affirms his masculinity. An excited partner is rewarding feedback, letting him know that he is doing a good job.
 
Desire for pleasure and orgasm
Sex has a different meaning for men and women. Men desire sex because this is how they feel loved. They see sex as being needed and wanted by their partner. Men will often want to have sex when they feel lonely or rejected by their partner. This is not to say, that men only want sex and not intimacy. Lack of open communication about sexual preferences and interests can significantly hinder sexual satisfaction. Often, men avoid telling their partners about a specific sexual position or sexual play that they would like to try, out of the fear that their partner will reject them. When your partner shares with you his interests, respond respectfully and avoid judgment.
 
The Woman
Intimacy and emotional closeness
Women see sex as a reinforcement of their love. Women desire sex most, when they are feeling intimate and close to their partner. For some people, emotional closeness and intimacy feels threatening. These people avoid being vulnerable with their partners because they fear their partner will judge them or abandon them.
 
Feeling sexually desirable
When a woman does not feel sexually desired she is more likely to close herself off and avoid having sex with her partner. If you are finding that your lady is being very argumentative, or gets very upset when you go out with your friends, that means your lady is feeling unloved and unnoticed. Women who do not feel sexually desirable are more prone to having an affair
 
Most importantly, not all men and women are the same. Tune-in and take the time to notice what your partner wants the most. 

​An affair is revealed. Either the partner who transgressed confesses or he/she got caught. The couple goes into a tailspin as they attempt to make sense of the betrayal and hopefully to begin to heal. Much on the topic of infidelity is focused on the couple and how they can rebuild trust. Rarely, does the literature focus on the children who are caught in the crossfire.
 
Research findings indicate that children who have experienced a parental affair are more likely to lack trust in their future romantic relationships. Additionally, researchers have found that 52% of children who know about their father’s affair are more likely to have an affair during their adult romantic relationships. Children often experience feelings of guilt, resentment, fear of neglect, and self-blame when learning about a parents affair. These negative emotions interfere with the ability to develop a strong emotional base.
 
How children are told about the affair can help mitigate the negative repercussions. Children should not be given too many details about the affair. Burdening children with the details robs them from their innocence. Parents should avoid triangulating a child by leaning on the child for support, thereby forcing the child to choose a side. Often, the betrayed partner feels lonely and leans on their child for empathy.  In psychology this is termed, parentification. Meaning, the child is pushed into the role of a parent. Again, this forces a child to lose out on the childhood years, which should be free of worry.
 
Parents sometimes assume that the affair is between the adults in the home and it will not impact the children. At times, it is not so. If a parent suspects that a child might have overheard a conversation about the affair, they should seek out a therapist who can guide them on how to discuss the affair with their child/children.

​Theoretically, finding a solution instead of compromising is ideal. But, is it really possible? Can we always find a solution for all concerns in our relationship? Life is about compromise - not only in relationships. So why is it that some people refuse to compromise? Why is it that people see compromising as a threat?
 
Perhaps we misunderstand what compromising means. The question is; “What is your goal? Is your goal a successful relationship, or is your goal to have only your individual needs met?
 
I like to think about compromises as gifts. You do not have to compromise, but you would like to compromise. Because, compromising will help you achieve the goal of a successful relationship. The reason why people run away from compromising is because they see it as having to relinquish a part of themselves. These types of “compromises” build resentment and are never productive in a relationship. Compromising is about finding the middle ground where the focus is on both yourself and your partner as a unit. It is about doing something you might not be excited about, yet at the same time setting limits within the compromise. For example, your partner would like to go to aunt Susan for the holiday dinner. You really dislike aunt Susan. You compromise on going to aunt Susan, yet request that you leave at a specific time. You give, and your partner gives, is it really that bad? 

 
When marrying, for the majority of traditional couples, there is an implicit understanding that the relationship is exclusive between the two partners. Yet, Darrel Ray, Ed.D sites in his book, Sex & God: How Religion Distorts Sexuality, that 70% of couples indicate that they have cheated on their partner. Much research points to the idea that humans are not wired for monogamy. The commitment to monogamy is based on religious and social expectations (Ray, 2012).
 
It is important to understand the motivation for cheating when one is in a committed relationship. Understanding the motivations can possibly help prevent cheating. It can also help the partner forgive the one who has transgressed.
 
1.Opportunity 
In the article, To Stay or Stray? the author calls this category of cheating, “crimes of opportunity.” Simply, an opportunity presented itself and the person took it. Perhaps he or she was traveling out of town, a partner was not home, or the office was empty and a hot co-worker came onto him or her. All these incidents are indicative of a last-minute fling. The person may have never thought of cheating before, an opportunity came about and they acted on it.
 
2.Emotional affair
The other side of something as flippant as opportunity is the need for an emotional connection. Often, one partner might feel lonely or bored in the relationship. When an affair happens, it is to fill the void. Researchers have found while men indicate reasons for cheating are related to both sexual and emotional dissatisfaction, women more often indicate emotional dissatisfaction. This is not to say women only cheat for emotional dissatisfaction. As women are becoming more financially independent, their motivations for cheating are beginning to equal the motivations for cheating in men.
 
3.To act on a fetish or sexual fantasy
Sexual interests don’t always line up. In fact, sexual interests do not have to line up. Each person should have the space to express his or her interest or disinterest in a particular sexual fetish or fantasy. The trouble begins when one cannot take a no for an answer. When a partner expressed disinterest in acting on the fetish, the other finds someone who will participate in his or her sexual fetish. There is always an option of permitting your partner to go out on their own and find a space to express their need (see When Someone You Love is Kinky by Dossie Easton). But, hiding from your partner that you are seeking your sexual fetish elsewhere and having sex outside of your relationship, is cheating.
 
4.Revenge
Couples can seek revenge for many reasons. Having a relationship where taking revenge is the norm, is toxic and unhealthy. Revenge can either be because one partner cheated or was suspected of cheating. Yet, revenge can also be for reasons other than the partner’s sexual transgressions. Out of anger, spite, hurt, rejection, a person will have an affair to punish the action of his or her partner.
 
5.Curiosity / sexual boredom
Sexual energy and the sexual libido between two people are often not a perfect match. Healthy couples are able to find a balance where both partners are satisfied. Struggling couples cannot seem to find the balance, causing one partner step outside of the relationship. An imbalance in sexual interest does not excuse the action. If you need something, say something. There are many ways couples can maneuver around this imbalance. Cheating does not have to be the answer. 
 
All of the above are not to justify cheating but to bring awareness to the triggers. If you see any of these red flags in your relationship talk it through with your partner. If speaking to your partner seems difficult, seek out a therapist who can help you find solutions to your concerns. 

​Sara Schapiro-Halberstam, MHC-LP, CASAC is a psychotherapist in New York City where she practices individual therapy, couples counseling, and sex counseling. You can contact Sara at [email protected] and read more blog posts at www.mwr.nyc
Follow me on Instagram @sexfacts4dummies
Follow me on Twitter @flashtherapy15

​Couples avoid couples therapy because they are tired of hearing what their partner thinks they are doing wrong. Most fights between couples are based on “you always do that and you never do this” kind of phrases. Lots of finger pointing and change never happens. Couples meet each other at a standoff. Each one refusing to move and insisting they are waiting for the other to make the move.
 
Why is it that we forget about our own personal growth, interests, motivations, and are only able to see how our partner is getting in our way? What happened to the fierce, independent, conquer the world, person you once were? Many people in relationships place all responsibility on the other and they fail to give themselves credit for what they are capable of, both the good and the bad.
 
Finger pointing not only causes fights, it causes your self-esteem to plummet. You once believed in your capabilities but since you started your relationship you relinquished it all to your partner. Now, you insist that the only way you can be successful is if your partner is on board. Challenge yourself. Can you move forward with your career goals, personal goals, becoming the person you want to be, regardless of where your partner is at?  Homaira Kabir, a positive psychology life coach, speaks about the importance of learning your own inner world in her article Why Should I Make The Effort.
 
Investing time in a standoff is a lose-lose. If no one makes a move the relationship will continue to suffer. If the relationship ends, you have wasted a lot of time becoming someone you do not like, now you need to work to undo the mess. Additionally, you wasted time where you could’ve been pursuing your own goals, now that the relationship has ended you are still in the same spot that you where when the relationship began. 
 
Couples therapy does not have to be about continued finger pointing, you can do that at home (and its free). Couples therapy should be focused on developing personal responsibility and taking back your individual powers. Continuing to invest in yourself will help you achieve your own goals, thereby enhancing your self-esteem, which will hopefully trigger a change in the standoff you’ve been having with your partner for so many months. 

Originally published by Jewishnews.com http://jewishnews.com/2016/06/21/watch-the-tower-fall-our-acts-of-self-sabotage/
​
Jackie is building a tower with blocks. I watch how she slowly places each block creating a taller and taller tower. Her breath is shallow as she placesthe last few blocks. She inhales before placing the last block. Then something happens. She lifts her arm, swings it back and over the tower, smirking as she watches the blocks tumble to the ground. She then announces “Ah! Just how I wanted it.”

She built the tower just so she can throw it down? Or was she afraid that the last block would cause the tower to fall and she decided to cut to the chase? In psychology the term for this behavior is self-sabotage. Self-sabotage is when we subconsciously destroy something we truly wanted.

We self-sabotage more often than we care to admit or recognize in ourselves. We self-sabotage and immediately follow up with the phrase “that is how I wanted it.” Did you? Relationships are the most common area in our life where we self-sabotage. Friendships, love relationships, marriages, work relationships, and parent/child relationships. You can self-sabotage you fitness goal, a career move, an important exam or meeting, practically any goal you set for yourself can be destroyed by you.

Why do we do it?
Self-sabotage occurs when we are afraid we will fail at our goal. In order to protect ourselves from the feeling of failure we destroy the goal on our own. Thus we can say, “That is how I wanted it”, and we effectively avoid the uncomfortable feeling of failure. Other reasons for self-sabotage are related to internal messages we say to ourselves; the need to control the ending, the need for familiarity, and the belief that one is not deserving of good things.

 “I need to control the ending”
All relationships have moments where we feel shaky and suspect the relationship might end. Some will buckle down and begin to put in the effort to make the relationship work. Others will begin to create chaos in the relationship causing the relationship to end. For example, they will begin to magnify all the flaws of their partner and decide there are too many flaws for them to stick around. Or, they will push their partner out of the relationship by being nasty, rejecting, isolating, cheating, or being difficult. Either way, the relationship ends by virtue of their actions. The dissolution of the relationship does not come as a shock because they took control and ended the relationship.

“I need to stay safe”
As psychological beings we feel safer with what is familiar to us. Even if the familiar scenes or feelings are unhealthy, we prefer the known to the unknown. If things are predictable and follow the same patterns then we know how to deal with it. When things change, even if it is for the better, we feel uneasy and confused. When a person has a history of parental emotional neglect, isolation, or people leaving from their life by divorce, death, travels; they internalize a theme that everyone in their life will eventually leave them. Since they are familiar with the feelings of being left behind they continually recreate the scene. When their relationship is moving toward connection, attachment, or commitment they panic, those are not feelings they are familiar with. After all, “everyone leaves me”. The uneasiness of the new experience causes them to destroy the relationship, forcing the other to leave them. Subconsciously the reaction to the broken relationship is; “Ah! This feels just right.”

Humans are relational creatures. We seek out and yearn for attachment. Yet, if there is a history of failed attachment during childhood, we create an ambivalent attachment map. The feelings of attachment and intimacy are pacifying yet scary. Being attached means loss. As soon as the person senses or perceives a threat of rejection he or she jumps into safety mode. In order to protect the self from the rejection, the person will preemptively leave the relationship. In a situation where most would work through the pain of rejection (or rejection never happens), they run before the rejection can occur.

Another self-sabotaging defense mechanism used to fend off rejection is being attracted to unreliable and unavailable partners. An unavailable partner can be someone who is preoccupied with his or her career, is married, or is emotionally unavailable. These types of attached-unattached relationships are a perfect fit for those who fear rejection. They get to experience superficial attachment but do not have to fear rejection because they never truly attached to the other in the first place. You cannot be rejected, if you do not attach.

“I am unworthy of the good things in life”
During our development we create a perfect imaginary image of what we should look like. I call it imaginary because this image never comes to fruition and the faster we recognize perfection is imaginary, the faster we can begin to move toward a realistic self. We judge our worthiness according to this illusory image and if we do not fit the mold we believe we are not worthy of good things in our life. The subconscious feeling of unworthiness causes us to hold good things at bay.  The feeling of unworthiness can cause constant fretting. Even if good things do happen, it will be taken away. Once again this perpetuates a cycle of avoiding success because even if success is achieved it will be short lived, so why bother at all?

You’ve been studying for many weeks for an important exam. You are confident that you will ace the exam. The night before the exam you go out drinking, you get drunk, you cannot focus on the test the next day, and you do poorly. You rationalize that you did poorly because of your drinking expedition the night prior. But, why did you go out drinking? You knew you had an exam the next day. Because, you knew (feared) you were going to do well and this will open doors for your success. You got scared, “Oh no, I do not deserve success, I am unworthy of good things in life.”

How can we change our self-sabotaging patterns?
The first step to change is to recognize our patterns. Reflect back to relationships in your past. How did the relationship end? Why did the relationship end? Who left the relationship? Are you finding a common pattern? Reflect on your life goals. What are the goals you have set for yourself and did not achieve? What got in the way of your success? Were there obstacles that you put in the way of yourself? Did you give up on your goal at the last minute?

Once you have recognized your patterns in past experiences, you can begin to identify the current behaviors you continue to do. For example, in the past, whenever you got close to getting a promotion at work you did something that caused your boss to rethink the promotion, such as missing an important deadline. The next time you are up for a promotion, become your own detective. Watch all your actions carefully. Remind yourself that these are the moments where you self-sabotage.

Knowing how to self-sooth will help you curb you self-sabotaging behaviors. As mentioned above, we sabotage ourselves because of our fear of failure and fear of rejection. If you are able to sooth your fears you are less likely to run from the possible experience of failure. A good self-soothing technique is having a short motto that you say to yourself, such as, “failure is a part of growth” or “I have the skills to overcome my failures.”

You can also self-sooth by making a connection between a past experience and your current experience. This would require the ability to introspect and identify the emotion or the internal message you are saying to yourself. Once you identify the internal message, such as “I am unworthy”, or the emotion of fear, helplessness or others, you can recognize that your message/emotion is related to a past experience or early childhood. You are simply replaying something from the past that is not necessarily current. Today does not have to end the same way as yesterday.

If your self-sabotage is because of your fear of rejection, seek out rejection. This seems counterintuitive. If one fears rejection, why would they go out and look for it? This experience would be similar to an experiment or exposure therapy. You are going to expose yourself to the stimulus you fear most. The goal is to share something about yourself or do a behavior that you believe can or will cause rejection. Begin with relationships of lesser value, perhaps a colleague before your spouse. For example, your colleague talks loudly on the phone disrupting your concentration at work. You never asked her to change because you fear that if you tell her she will dislike you. Experiment with approaching her. Then, see if the relationship takes a drastic dive. When the relationship does not fall apart and she does not reject you, do a little dance and recognize that rejection does not ALWAYS happen. If she does reject you, do a little dance as well and recognize that the feeling of rejection is not as scary as you thought. You can now up the ante on your experiment and disclose something you have been holding back from your spouse, a close friend, or parent. Follow the same steps as above and keep on dancing. Bonus points: sharing personal flaws or concerns with your partner enhances intimacy.

The next time you raise your hand to swing over your tower, ask yourself; “Is this really how I want it? Living a life where you are always obstructing your path to success is hard work. Therefor, self-sabotaging is a bad habit worthy of breaking.

Originally posted by Jewishnews.com

Distance and space are essential for creating sexual and erotic tension. Just as a burning fire needs space to burn, so do our emotions and feelings. One of the key generators of attraction is emotional space: the understanding of where you begin and end, and where the other begins and ends.

Emotional space is often created by physical distance. For example, when your lover travels abroad or is away for a business conference. The physical distance leads to feelings of longing and desire. Emotional space can also be created by emotional distancing, such as a fight. Arguments and fights between lovers distance them from each other and thus create emotional space. It is this temporary emotional detachment that results in makeup sex being so arousing and sexually stimulating.

What is it about space that fires eroticism? It’s the human nature to desire what we can’t have or what’s further than an arms distance. At the age of 5 it is the red lollypop that was taken away from us, at the age of 12 it is the computer game our parents won’t let us play, and at 16 it’s the boyfriend our friend has. From there on, throughout our adult life, we are attracted mostly to what appears out of our reach.

Creating emotional space doesn’t require physical distance or an uncomfortable fight. Emotional space can be created by self-confidence. In fact, confidence is the most effective and powerful tool in generating such space. When looking for a partner, people have different preferences and often find certain physical and personal features attractive. However, one specific feature that often tips us head over heels is a person’s confidence and assurance in their own abilities. Yes, there are a few exceptions: some people are attracted to a damsel-in-distress. However, can such attraction last? What happens when the other is no longer in distress, does the attraction fade?

Confidence creates distance because it sends the message: “I’m fine, I can function without you.”  For example, suppose you accompany your partner to her office’s holiday party. You observe her as she engages with her colleagues and boss. You see her in a different environment, playing a different role, and all of a sudden you find yourself more attracted to her then you’ve been in weeks. You might attribute it to her new party dress or perfect makeup, but it isn’t so. The “you-can’t-have” bells are beginning to ring. In this case it isn’t necessarily what you can’t have but rather about what you are not guaranteed. You realize that she has her own identity and that she is not dependent on you. You realize that she has a life outside your relationship, a corner of her own.

To make it clear, I am not referring to a snotty, arrogant, and stuck up behavior, but rather what I am describing is a genuine self-confidence and assurance. Indeed, life with a partner can enhance our experiences and our sense of who we are as people. However, having an identity outside the relationship is important. Confidence within a relationship is being comfortable and happy with who you are independently of whether you are in a relationship or not. To clarify once again, I’m not advocating for fear and paranoia that our partner might actually leave us. Living in such fear has the effect of pouring water on fire. Rather, we simply need to become aware of the emotional distance between ourselves and our partner. It is in this space that eroticism can flourish.
​
The next time you dress up – while you’re putting on heels or a fancy tie -remember that attraction is strongly dependent on your confidence and not necessarily on the way the tie brings out the color of your eyes.

Disclaimer: I use the pronoun she to describe the victim since many of the media stories about college campus rape are a male perpetrator and a female victim. This is not to discredit or overlook the rape and abuse of male victims. Where I use the pronoun she can easily be replaced with he and the facts of why we don't believe the victim would be the same. 

In the previous blog post I wrote about societies failure to admit to rape, calling rape accusations - false, and preferring to blame it all on alcohol use or on the victims behaviors and not the rapists actions. In this blog I would like to highlight some points about how the media and the court system builds their case that a rape accusation is false. Thereby, allowing the rapist to carry on without taking full responsibility for his actions. Statistics show that out of 1000 perpetrators, only 6 are convicted of rape and go to jail.   

1. The most popular reason is blaming the victim. She was asking for it, she was dressed slutty, she was into it (what does that even mean?) she was so drunk she can't remember that she said yes.
2. The victims memory is vague. "If she can't remember what happened, then how can we know she didn't say yes?" There are countless of research studies explaining how memories are altered in the event of a trauma. In order to protect our psychological wellbeing our brain will suppress the details of the traumatic event, known as dissociative amnesia. This memory loss can be short term, with the memory and details of the event surfacing shortly, or long term, where the memory and details never surface or the memories return many years later.  
3. Friends, family, colleagues, classmates of the rapist claim "he's such a nice guy, he would never do this?" As Laci Green expresses in her YouTube video "rapists aren't creepy men hiding in the shadows, they are normal guys ..." 
4. The victim convinces herself it didn't happen and retracts her statement, or comes forward months later. To admit that someone violated your most intimate space is too painful. Some victims attempt to suppress all memories of the event and they convince themselves that nothing ever happened. But sometimes, the pain keeps resurfacing and the with the help of friends, family, or a therapist they choose to come forward about the rape. Coming forward weeks or months later is used against the victim. Additionally, When a victim recognizes that she is going to have to replay and repeat over and over what happened to her in a public realm, she shuts down, and retracts her statement. She's been violated once, she cannot be violated again.